Most of the past five or six weeks, I have gone to meditation, sometimes twice a week. I keep hoping that these sessions will spark the need and the desire (to combine into motivation) to sit at home everyday. So far, I have only gotten in a few home sitting sessions... five minutes. [I was inspired by another person there who shared he started with one minute at a time, adding a minute and working his way up to longer sessions.]
It is so important to get the mind quiet. Finally, after all these weeks, in the first few minutes, I have a little clarity. How do I know? Well, when I let go, something flashes in my mind. Some thought or feeling or idea that was trying to be heard but couldn't get in between the chaos of planning, regretting, parsing, and fretting.
Sometimes these moments of clarity come in dreams.
Sometimes they wake me up, like they did the other day. I woke to a word: confidence. It took all day and another community meditation session to really understand that message. But, once I did, it not only brought me solace, it gave me a road map.
Another came out of no where: recall rather than parse. It is really just a way to remind myself that I have a choice. I do not need to dive deep into the unending well of parsing. I don't have to create stories. I can recall situations, conversations, etc., without parsing. I can just relive, enjoy or feel. There is no need to react or try to control.
I was drawn to the photo above... I took several pictures of the sign with its surroundings. I didn't know why I liked it. I thought it was just the juxtaposition of the mountains and the sign and the road.
But, I am thinking that maybe it was something else.
I like that it is zigging and zagging but not up and down. I think it is representative of my life right now... though I haven't been on this particular road, but I imagine it is curvy like the sign.
I have been on many curvy roads. I enjoy them. They do not feel dangerous or out of control... they feel like the way life can go. Around the bend might be a beautiful flower or a dangerous cliff or the usual. It keeps you on your toes, but it doesn't have to be destabilizing.
I am working on how to live the way I drive on curvy roads (and enjoy the curves).
Photo credit: me, fancy camera, on the road to McCartys, NM. I took this side road to photograph something else, but I was captivated by the sign and the scenery.