Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
some are rants
some are only masquerading as rants
some look deep inside
some just observe what goes on around me
the best thing about blogging is I don't have to worry about anything...read or don't read. I get to express my opinion, muse out loud, bitch about the thorn in my side or wonder at the world.
Monday, May 28, 2007
It's probably an exaggeration, but I never felt more alone in New Jersey than when I was with his family. Not that I didn't like, enjoy or get along with them. The connections between them let alone between them and me were as delicate as spider's webs. Obviously intricate and sturdy when used in a conventional way, say trapping flies. Unavoidably fragile when intruded upon by the unexpected other, say a culturally different (maybe opposite) not conventionally pretty or demurely behaved daughter-in-law clumsily tramping through a web.
So in our flotilla we started down the river. Late spring or early summer, maybe Memorial Day weekend, I can't remember. The trees were thick around us, but there was plenty of sun. As I glanced around me, I saw little tiny turtles sunning themselves. So tiny their sunning spots were lily pads.
Why I felt the need to ask permission is another story altogether. Though his disbelieving answer that I could certainly keep it, if I could catch it is important as just the tone of voice provided motivation.
My first attempts appeared fruitless but, in fact, they provided important data that could help in my capture of a small, unsuspecting baby turtle.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
So, I am just wondering if I will reach a point where I will not be punished for having married the wrong man?
I don't mean to sound melodramatic. Honestly, despite what it may seem.
I did not expect that it to all go away with the magic wand of divorce.
I thought that getting a divorce would rectify the situation.
I didn't expect that it would all go away. I mean that I didn't get an annullment, I got a divorce.
So, I understood that there would be resentment, emotional issues to unravel and a life to set right. I imagined (and have lived through) the residual shame, anger, pain, resentment. I knew that it would take some time. Emotionally, it is not truly over.
What I did not expect is that every few years I would have a legal document land on my doorstep DEMANDING that I pay for my EX-husband's lack of financial stability or his lack of ability to manage his finances.
At what point, exactly, in my life will I STOP paying for the mistake I made in marrying him? When, if ever, will I be absolved of making the mistake of marrying him?
Is this a lifetime sentence?
Friday, May 25, 2007
The way folks feel about Reggie and what he INSPIRES is just one of the many reasons that I still LOVE L. A.
Check this out:
When the animal was first spotted in the murky lake in August 2005, it became a sensation as crowds gathered to catch a glimpse. Locals named it Reggie, though it's not clear whether the reptile is male or female.
Gloria and Danny Gutierrez said they would go to the lake several times a week and watch for Reggie. Gloria Gutierrez wore a white T-shirt decorated with the words "Welcome back, Reggie."
"We'd bring our chairs out here and a bag of fruit, and we'd talk with people we didn't even know," Danny Gutierrez said.
The gator inspired a zydeco song, two children's books and innumerable T-shirts. Students at Los Angeles Harbor College next to the lake adopted Reggie as a second mascot.
[I added the emphasis because I enjoy being emphatic and/or irate under the right circumstances.]
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I was just wondering now that you are sitting with so many desks at the office empty, again, do you worry, now, about that terse exchange?
Do you think, maybe I shouldn't have been so unhelpful? Maybe I shouldn't have made them all jumps through so many hoops just to get what they needed to do their work?
Do you wonder if all of those smoking breaks that were really insider-only meetings were a detriment to fostering a welcoming environment?
I really hope you do. Not only because I am vindictive and revel in watching the turn over as a result of your poor management. Also because if there were a chance that you, any of you, could be introspective on this issue, there is hope.
I am hopeful for the sake of your organization which COULD have done so much MORE than yell and scream about injustice.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
We call her sangrona (him, sangron).
It's more than aloof or unfriendly because it is that noticeably hostile undertone that you see and feel in the look, the attitude, the way she breathes in, disgruntled, no matter what you do or say.
She lets you know without ever addressing a word to you.
Don't try to break through.
There is no room for discussion, explanation, reconsideration or reprieve.
Don't bother to try to be her friend.
You will strive to be brought down every time.
She wants you to know that there is something truly distasteful in your simply being. And you should know how unacceptable you are.
I keep thinking some day she will see.
But she won't, and it really isn't about me or you or anyone else but her.
I am still wondering why, knowing as I do that there is not discernible rhyme or reason, I still care.
So why can't you just let it go?
Where is my compassion for her?
Monday, May 21, 2007
boneless chicken (as Nick call is) = hard boiled egg
Especially satisfying if you have just walked the lake and skipped breakfast.
It's important to celebrate the little things that make you smile, even if it only lasts for a minute.
It's much better than spending your lunch hour walking around the lake complaining about your co-worker.
In case you were wondering.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Is full of regret. It is the small child within the grown person wondering if he could have made his father love him by being somehow different. It is the wife turning herself inside out, trying to be who her husband says he wants.
IF ONLY exploits your deepest insecurity in the guise of goading you into striving to be better, more, deserving, you name it. Any of those characteristics that the demons whisper you lack and could never achieve.
While not outwardly as dangerous or painful as IF ONLY, just as destructive. What if leads you down the painful path of regret just as surely as IF ONLY ever will. What if I hadn't said that, done that, felt that? What if things had been different? What if I had planned better, executed more skillfully, understood more plainly? What if aliens abducted me and implanted something in me that has caused me to make all these missteps, mistakes, etc.?
Oh yes, WHAT IF, inevitably it leads you to the ALIENS and the sorrowful realization that the WHAT IF road cannot offer any solace, answers or peace.
Keeping these lessons present are difficult but worthwhile.