When I step back and view myself through the lens of other people's reactions to me, I am frequently confused, disappointed and frustrated.
In the last few months, I have questioned myself to the nth degree... wondering if my inability to articulate what I want and how I want to live is emblematic of the fact that I am completely out of touch with who I am and who I project.
Is it that I am talking nonsense?
Is it that I am so unaware of what I really want that I am unable to deal with it when it comes knocking at my door?
Am I so one-dimensional that I can only send out the fixer/doer vibe enabling those around me to become baby birds?
My concern is that if I don't see it, yet these are the reactions that I live, how can I stop sending out those signals? How can I stop calling that out in others? How can I send the vibe that I want relationships based on mutual respect and responsibility?
I mean, I am no more in control/on top of my game than anyone else; and it gets very difficult to have to be "on" all the time. Especially trying when I am not sure that I can help anyone, really. It sounds good, but it might only be window dressing.
These are thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night.
5 hours ago