Right at this moment I am wondering if fear or insecurity is more powerful. Perhaps it is a combo but I am afraid it is the insecurity breeding fear.
I have somehow convinced myself I should be afraid. I am worried about everything especially about not being enough or not being good enough.
Hunter S Thompson never gave Oscar Acosta any credit for Fear and Loathing. He changed his identity and called him the Samoan... like any old ethnic guy would do, or maybe because Hunter didn't think Mexicans should be fat... or big, or whatever you want to call it. It's somehow easier to imagine a large islander who is open and free and drugged out of his mind. I guess it's ok... Oscar was really only ethnic when he was Zeta and that was all an act...mostly he was just himself.
Like Oscar, I am uneasy in my own skin... I remember reading through his papers, sometimes he desperately wanted to be earnest in his work whether it was as the musician/soldier turned missionary, night-school educated lawyer or the Chicano activist lawyer... it was always an act.
Uneasy and living beyong the moment, me and Oscar, two of a kind in some ways, only I achieve the out of body with anxiety, fear and insecurity. I don't need the drugs. Maybe he was using the drugs to try to feel in the moment.
I guess we'll never know. About Oscar, I mean. I hope we know about me, that I will keep trying to get at living in the moment, even if I die trying.
4 AM Shower
15 hours ago