Thursday, February 23, 2017

Poetry Thursday

I knew life began 
where I stood in the dark,
looking out into the light. 
~Yusef Komunyakaa

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Grandma

 Today my grandmother would have been 112.  I have been thinking about her a lot lately, as I contemplate how to tell her story -- whether I should or not -- what I know and don't know -- what is her story...

There are lots of questions and very few answers.

Questions like ... who did she cut out of this picture? It is just like my grandmother to have this picture with someone cut out.  She was the kind of person who could cut people out of her life.  It surprises me to admit this while at the same time I know it to be true.  I remember her as harsh, judgemental, not wishy washy at all.

But in this picture, sometime in the 1920s, I think, sometime before she married my grandfather or had my father, she is young and her face tells very little.  Inscrutable, that is another way to understand her stoicism which I often read as harsh.  Maybe she was feeling super vulnerable all the time.

I just can't always reckon how someone who had lost two parents by the time she was 9, or two siblings by the time she was 30 could have then turned around and cut out her only living sister.

But, of course, I don't know her story, not really.

I know bits and pieces.

Snapshots, like these photos that reveal so little and so much at the same time.
 What to make of the starch and the serious face ... everyone else here seems to be having a good time.  [click on pic to see the whole thing... maybe it is only the men who are yucking it up.] Did she not smile because the person behind the camera tried to get her to smile?  Who was behind the camera??

In another from the same day, she has that half smile that I remember from real life.  It was bemused and amused and slightly annoyed and maybe holding something back all at the same time.

But she looked smart in that hat.  Maybe that is why she needed to give the serious pose.

What about this one with my aunts.  She is almost smiling here -- at least her eyes are smiling.  Was my grandfather behind the camera this time? Was she about to break out in the big smile or was this as big as it got, emotions slipping out of the eyes even though the mouth holds the smile back.

And the hand gently holding her oldest daughter's hand ... not her youngest daughter's hand.

Maybe that says more about my aunts than it does about my grandmother, but is says something.

Happy birthday, Grandma. 

Hope you don't mind me teasing out some meaning from these photos and your life.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Seen on my walk

Dad in a wheelchair.

My eyes are drawn to his slippers. I see the son, well past middle age, pushing the wheelchair.

Upon exiting the coffee shop, the son opens sunglasses, the father turns his face expectantly as the son slides them on a look of love and appreciation passes between them.

Son pats father's head ostensibly to ensure cap is secure.

More love.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Quote Thursday, on hope

Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.
It is not the conviction that something will turn out well,
but the certainty that something makes sense,
regardless of how it turns out.
~Vaclav Havel

Monday, February 13, 2017

Poetry for a Troubled Monday

you can listen to it here.  It is long but so worth it.
  

What Would Gwendolyn Brooks Do
~Parneshia Jones, 2017

Dawn oversees percolating coffee
and the new wreckage of the world.
I stand before my routine reflection,
button up my sanity,
brush weary strands of hair with pomade
and seal cracked lips of distrust
with cocoa butter and matte rouge.
I ready myself once again
for morning and mortify.
Stacking poetry and bills in a knapsack;
I bundle up hope (it’s brutal out there).
For a moment, I stand with ghosts
and the framed ancestors surrounding me.
I call out, hoping she can hear me
over the day-breaking sirens—
hoping she’s not far away,
or right down the street,
praying over another dead black boy.
How will we make it through this, Ms. Brooks?
                     Hold On.
When she held a body,
she saw much worse than this.
I know she was earshot and fingertip close to oppression.
She saw how hateful hate could be.
She raised babies, taught Stone Rangers,
grew a natural and wrote around critics.
She won a Pulitzer in the dark.
She justified our kitchenette dreams,
and held on.
She held on to all of us.
                    Hold On, she whispers. 
Another day, when I have to tip-toe
around the police and passive-aggressive emails
from people who sit only a few feet away from me.
Another day of fractured humans
who decide how I will live and die,
and I have to act like I like it
so I can keep a job;
be a team player, pay taxes on it;
I have to act like I’m happy to be
slammed, severed, and swindled.
Otherwise, I’m just part of the problem—
a rebel rouser and rude.

They want me to like it, or at least pretend,
so the pretty veils that blanket who we really are—
this complicated history, can stay pretty and veiled
like some desert belly dancer
who must be seen but not heard.
                     Hold On.
We are a world of lesions.
Human has become hindrance.
We must be stamped and have papers,
and still, it’s not enough.
Ignorance has become powerful.
The dice that rolls our futures is platinum
but hollow inside.
Did you see that, Ms. Brooks?
Do you see what we’ve become?
They are skinning our histories,
deporting our roots,
detonating our very right to tell the truth.
We are one step closer to annihilation.
                    Hold On, she says, two million light years away.
She’s right.
Hold On everybody.
Hold On because the poets are still alive—and writing.
Hold On to the last of the disappearing bees
and that Great Barrier Reef.
Hold On to the one sitting next to you,
not masked behind some keyboard.
The one right next to you.
The ones who live and love right next to you.
Hold On to them.
And when we bury another grandmother,
or another black boy;
when we stand in front of a pipeline,
pour another glass of dirty drinking water
and put it on the dining room table,
next to the kreplach, bratwurst, tamales, collards, and dumplings
that our foremothers and fathers—immigrants,
brought with them so we all knew that we came from somewhere;
somewhere that mattered.
When we kneel on the rubbled mosques,
sit in massacred prayer circles,
Holding On is what gets us through.
We must remember who we are.
We are worth fighting for.
We’ve seen beauty.
We’ve birthed babies who’ve only known a black President.
We’ve tasted empathy and paid it forward.
We’ve Go-Funded from wrong to right.
We’ve marched and made love.
We haven’t forgotten—even if they have—Karma is keeping watch. 
Hold On.
Hold On everybody.
Even if all you have left
is that middle finger around your God-given right
to be free, to be heard, to be loved,
and remembered…Hold On,
and keep
Holding.

Friday, February 10, 2017

trying...[this all over the place - you've been warned]

We yearn for connection.

But we treat each other like hostile strangers ... on the internet, and too often in real life.

So, we post and prod ... we weave and bob, we do whatever it takes to not actually connect.

Then, at times we meet our lost tribe members and connection, sometimes brief, brings us back to reality.

Life is hard, but it is not without its beauty.

Find beauty.
---
So, in the weeks that have passed since I started this post, I have had a rollercoaster of events ... and I mean that quite seriously.
I had a lovely birthday - truly amazing day with friends that included dancing - an amazing meeting about the foundation to honor Sergio's memory.  I was reminded of the blessings I have in my life, especially my wonderful, supportive community.

We celebrated Sergio's 25th birthday without him -- in the lead up, I was sure it would crush me, the energy expended just getting through the last two days made me feel like I was coming down with a cold (thankfully, I am not or it was nipped in the bud).  After rain and threats of rain and cold and people dropping out and having to reassure them that participation should only be part of your own way of dealing with this tragedy ... it was a gorgeous day.  GORGEOUS.  Ominous clouds gathered at the edges but were beat back by the sea breeze, and once again, I could feel Sergio's participation in making sure that our gathering wasn't rained on.  Friends from many parts of his life gathered, drank and ate and built a fire and an altar and laughed and cried.  While my heart was breaking again into a million pieces, it was so beautiful to see in real flesh and bone the love this person wrought with so few years.  Amazing.




I got an email offering me an interview for a job I really want.  So important on so many levels -- one, I applied for two jobs, one better paying and more in line with my skills, and one I can do with my eyes closed and enough money to live off of ... I got the interview for the better job ... amazing

My car started the steep decline which I cannot afford right now ... the sound coming from the car is a mixture of the swooped up crazy muffler sound and crazy about to fall apart -- I am generally not so moved by what others might think of me, but I want to hide every time I start my car. And for the first time in 15 years, it needs to be smog checked?! Ugh... I am torn between trying to get it sort of fixed so that I can keep it for a bit longer and donating it now to someone who will take it away... and did I mention that I love my car, I really do. It is the best car in the whole world that has been beyond a trooper for all these years ... ugh ugh ugh.

I killed it in the interview... really, killed it.  Waiting to hear back if I make it to the second round sometime in the next two weeks.

The bad thing is though that every time I have a win, I fall into the largest cavern of self doubt which is where I woke up this morning.

These are the quotes I am trying to use to get me out of my funk today:
"You are full of unshaped dreams... You are laden with beginnings ... there is hope in you." ~L. Ridge

"There is alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness." ~Pearl S. Buck

Ok... it's all out there now, no more monsters under the bed. Got a stack of work to do, so I am off to be productive and wallow in self doubt no more ...

My hands are up and the wind is in my hair ... riding the rollercoaster of life.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

Poetry Thursday




Seven Years

These cold days when the insane sky’s clear, heat poofs away 
beyond its net of edible blue. My cat folds, flops across the 
laundry steps. Flags the size of jeans pockets flip-flap affixed 
to rowhouse fronts. The nicest, cleanest hands reach to switch out lights in stores: futons, ring trays, eyeglasses, dresses, go dark. “The bed is not very big.” Cold or no there are fathers calling mothers and children walking home or out; also those of us who are neither father nor mother and have forgotten the complicated unchosen knits and methods of being somebody’s child. Hires Root Beer signboard creaking, then not creaking. This year Thanksgiving dinner begins in the afternoon: a moist bird, venison stuffing. Window glass goes blue-indigo. “Is this the right crockery?” Cold little birds, like knots of twine, jam the Japanese Zelkova just outside, gabble in the light-loss hysteria. The Dow Jones dropping. Friends’ kids leer from photos I stuck on the refrigerator. Last night I slammed a door so hard the
mirror hung on it shattered over my back. I was not hurt; moreover he stopped shouting back, ran in his socks onto the crackling glass, put his arms around me?


 

Friday, February 03, 2017

extra Poem for a crazy world

Why Poetry Can Be Hard for Most People

Because speaking to the dead is not something you want to do
When you have other things to do in your day
Like take out the trash or use the vacuum
In the edge between the stove and cupboard
Because the rat is everywhere
Crawling around
Or more so walking
And it doesn’t even notice you
It has its own intentions
And is searching for that perfect bag of potato chips like you once were
Because life is no more important than eating
Or fucking
Or talking someone into fucking
Or talking someone into something
Or sleeping calmly and soundly
And all you can hope for are the people who put that calm in you
Or let you go into it with dignity
Because poetry reminds you
That there is no dignity
In living
You just muddle through and for what
Jack Jack you wrote to him
You wrote to all of us
I wasn’t even born
You wrote to me
A ball of red and green shifting sparks
In my parents’ eye
You wrote to me and I just listened
I listened I listened I tell you
And I came back
No
Poetry is hard for most people
Because of sound

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Poetry Thursday





Friend,

Jean Valentine, 1934

You came in a dream, yesterday
—The first day we met
you showed me your dark workroom
off the kitchen, your books, your notebooks.

Reading our last, knowing-last letters
—the years of our friendship
reading our poems to each other,
I would start breathing again.

Yesterday, in the afternoon,
more than a year since you died,
some words came into the air.
I looked away a second,
and they were gone,
six lines, just passing through.


                                          for Adrienne Rich
 

Monday, January 30, 2017

Refuge

These are dark and troubling days with glimmers of hope, sometimes dashed with sudden downpours. If I hadn't spent the better part of the last four years learning to live again after the cascading tragedies, I would be more panicked, more at wits end. One thing grief has taught me: it's sad, but not the end of the world.

So, I have been taking refuge, again, in words -- if not mine, those of poets who draw images with words. This gem came from poets.org today. I owe them a debt of gratitude for these gifts in my inbox.

Wishing all beings peace and patience and compassion.

May we all be well.

Beginners

Michael Klein
Truth went through a leaky funnel starting in late 1963
that blade-lit afternoon Gary Orrin laughed at Kennedy’s murder
bleeding through the static of P.S. 41’s cheap PA. There’s Greenwich            
Village—
a drowsy dandelion—I called it once—and there
are the heartsick monitors of afternoons. 
My mother is late to pick me up, again. She’s almost better,
but will never find a way to manage the cure. Outside American family        
life,
nothing happens for years until OJ’s glove: interspersed with some              
other
sloppy American truth. If I didn’t know everything I already know
I could count on the dog while she rifles through her morning bowl
in the next room. Poor Ruby. She knows more than I do.
She is eating the world to save it.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Poetry Thursday

The Thing Is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
--Ellen Bass

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Olympia - searching for Ent Wives

Ever since I read Tolkien, I have been searching for the Ent Wives.
These are some candidates I met in Olympia.







Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Olympia - fascination with ice


Even though I got brain freeze walking around without my hat on the first day, I still stopped to admire the designs the ice made.  Here are a few examples...








Thursday, January 12, 2017

Poetry Thursday

Oyster shells covered in snow.  Art installation (minus snow) at Longhouse at Evergreen State College.

Eating the Bones



The women in my family
strip the succulent
flesh from broiled chicken,
scrape the drumstick clean;
bite off the cartilage chew the gristle, 
crush the porous swellings
at the ends of each slender baton.
With strong molars
they split the tibia, sucking out
the dense marrow. 
They use up love, they swallow 
every dark grain,
so at the end there’s nothing left,
a scant pile of splinters
on the empty white plate.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

photolog - Olympia part 2


The day after we got back to Washington, we drove back to Seattle to pick up one of Veronica's friends.  They have been life savers, so I was trying to do all I could to repay them for their generosity of time and their care for my niece. 

This view of Mt Rainier was a bright silver lining.

And then I went for a walk and ran into some natives... I loved seeing them in their winter coats!  They were not afraid at all.

This guy was looking right at me until I snapped the picture.  Apparently he was not ready for his close up.
 I don't know if this is meant to be art or functional, but I liked it just the same. I had to try to imagine a time when it would be warm enough to sit outside.  I couldn't, really.

Did I mention that when I went out one day without a hat, I experienced brain freeze without drinking something cold.

I have been in cold weather before -- colder than this -- and never felt this before.  Perhaps I never went out without the hat?
 This series begins my fascination with the flora.

Not surprisingly, these are called snow berries.
 This is not a great picture of the lichen growing on the leaf-less trees.  I could not stop noting the way these trees were dressed.  Unfortunately, I failed utterly at capturing the beauty, the intricacy, the symbiosis.
 So much beauty in these sycamores.  It might be cruel to prune them back like this, but it makes for stunning views.  I cannot control the light when I take these pics... rather, I should say that I don't know how to control the light.  But the way the light changes here certainly made for lovely photos.

 This began my obsession with the ice ... I will have to save the rest for another post. 

And I have more trees, but they will have to wait for another post as well... 


Secret paths and/or paths to nowhere...


 Trunk magic

Someone forgot to tell the robins that it was winter and they should fly south ... I am told they hang out all winter ... hmmm... now my when is spring indicator is broken.

I got to see the moon rise several afternoons ... just lovely!