Beyond having the intellectualized discussions about how to translate the Pali word [dukkha] and whether or not we can call hunger pangs *suffering* -- I keep telling my meditation peeps that suffering, to me, is knowing that I am alive.
Just when I get comfortable, there are those twists and turns in the road. That is life, impermanence, not being comfortable. Comfort is the opposite of suffering, in a way, so it is an appropriate way to think about the first noble truth.
When we are comfortable, it is because we are not paying attention to life. Life keeps rolling on, it does not have as its purpose to make us happy or comfortable, it just is. It rolls on, ups and downs, discomfort and pleasure, breathing in and out.
Today, someone used me as a pawn ... and throwing my academic career like a bowling ball down the alley of life. I was so angry... I tried to go through proper channels, I thought about not losing my cool, and then I just let her have it. I did not personally attack her the way she did me. I tried to make clear that I could see where and how she was doing this, but that I wasn't going to let her just back out quietly.
And then I made another call... and then I breathed again... I am not sure if I handled any of it skillfully. But in a way, I know that standing up for myself was being skillful. It is easy to feel like a victim, begin the journey down self doubt, or even to villanize others. I did not tread as lightly on her feelings as I would like to have ... but I wasn't exactly in a space of calmness when she called ... and that was the way I was allowed to talk to her ... on her terms.
Bumps but not bruises... I am off to deliver some care packages to some colleagues who are knee deep into a hazing ritual we justify by calling comprehensive exams.
May all beings be at ease.
Photo credit: me, fancy camera. That sign, again, and that crazy unknown road, NM. See that storm coming over the mountain? That is life, that is dukkha ... not suffering, just life.
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