There are a lot of things I should be doing right now, and none of them includes blogging, but there you have it.
Disclaimer? No, more of a warning... this will be a post about me, how I feel about myself... in other words, navel gazing. 1) if you don't like navel-gazing, stop reading now; you will only be upset and think I am a self-centered weirdo at the end. Not to say you won't be right, but you have been warned, so why give yourself suffering. 2) if you don't like navel-gazing, why do you read blogs?! Seriously, why?! 3) I don't really care what you think, I am a navel-gazer. I write here because I want to rant or think through things or just have my say. I am not interested in why you read unless you want to engage in a comment exchange. I don't care otherwise. This is my space to do what I want with ... I am not trying to impress you or anyone else.
Okay, that felt good.
So, I have been hiding, as I mentioned in the last post, from everyone, including myself. That's not completely true of the last few weeks, but of the last few days. I talked to a lot of people about what's going on, but then I felt all talked out. And I didn't feel any less like I was getting off the roller coaster, so then I stopped talking. Opening back up is harder.
In that spirit, I am going to try to finish the drafts in the folder and I am going to share something I wrote in my journal back in March. I was looking around the room at a meeting where everyone there was Latino (to be clear I do not know how they all identify, but, really, technically they were all Chicanos). They were all married and I was thinking about their wedding rings and why I got married when I did and how it was for all the wrong reasons, or maybe not, but in any case...
"...I just thought how ingrained it is in us to be partnered -- and young and forever - and how I had been one of them ten years ago -- and that the ring is not what's meaningful - rather it is the relationship that the ring symbolizes. And the next thought I had was that now that I have done all this work -- now that I am in this place, out of desire and not need or community pressure -- that I am going to be a great partner.
I believe it in a way that I cannot explain fully -- deeper than in my bones. I know this to be true.
For the first time, I can say (and mean), 'I'm a catch.' I was before but not like this. I have always loved fiercely and faithfully, but, as a partner, I did not have this self to offer -- this self aware (of foibles and fortes) person -- not 'whole' as I once imagined becoming, rather, authentic in my humanity and failings and triumphs.
Wherever I go, I do go with my whole heart -- enthusiastically and empathetically. Hear me talk about the issues I am most passionate about -- or hear me engage with my classmates projects, truly interested and willing to commit my brain and heart to it. These are treasures -- to be held dear and at the same time shared with whomever comes my way. ..."
photo credits: ME, with the fancy camera, on Squaw Valley hike, June 2010