Mirrors and Friends and Other Complications

A couple of weekends ago I had the opportunity to spend some time with my friends and found family in Oakland. I have been licking my wounds for the past month, so I needed some time in the understanding circle that helped me through my divorce and recreating and rehabilitating of my self afterwards.

I have been gifted by the universe by so many wonderful women as my friends. Some have endured through the turmoil and others passed through on their own journeys.

I am continually surprised by the mirrors our friends are... that is to say, that sometimes we see ourselves reflected in their reactions to us ... not always as we might expect, I would add. Actually, I have an odd relationship with mirrors. For one thing, I haven't owned a full length mirror in over 7 years. I have managed with just whatever was installed in the bathroom. Still am ... so, you could say I have a distorted view of myself from the mirror.

I am fairly sure that the distorted view is not just from the mirror ... I see or experience myself very differently than others do. I expect that my friends will understand more than I say and see more than I show. It is an unrealistic expectation even from your closest friends. However, after the shock of realizing that my actions or words or both have been misunderstood by someone I consider a close friend ... I realize what a gift that is.

It's a gift because when a friend makes an observation that's hard to take, we don't reject it out of hand. Because we have developed a relationship with that person, we are inclined to believe that the comment or observation or interpretation is deserved or at least well meaning. That forces me to consider it ... to ponder how she got there and to review my own actions and words and behavior in general.

The mirror image I got in Oakland was not flattering... they saw negativity, judgemental behavior and a desire to wallow rather than to fix.

Let's just say, it wasn't the kind of love I was expecting... and for half a minute, I was truly disappointed -- and then I stepped back and tried to see what they saw.

I saw it alright... I am allowing myself to feel and be however I need to be ... but it made me realize that I need to make sure I am taking care of my needs so that I don't end up expressing a person who I don't want to be or see myself being ...

I need more silver linings and more optimism even when I am feeling frustrated and disappointed and like I am not getting what I want and/or need... and the only way I know to do that is to be gentle with myself (first and foremost though this may sound counter intuitive) and then to not hold in the negative -- it comes out regardless of what you do, so you might as well find a way to get it out -- writing -- like this or taking a walk ... or putting the music in my ears even though I don't like to be so cut off from the world. I noticed that just having the music made me feel more grounded ... I could locate the song that expressed just the right self-indulgent emotion and play it over and over if I wanted to... a lot of that has led me back to salsa and more fun music.

There is no pretending that everything is fine when it is not -- but taking that out on the people who love you most is just abusive behavior ... so, feeling, living, practicing compassion with myself and others and using the music to soothe the savage beast.

And...trying to remember my little universe prayer:

May I acknowledge abundance. (It's everywhere.)
May I embrace my gifts and talents.
May I allow love to flow to and from me.
May I feel strong and beautiful.