Learning to Let Go

When did I become that person? You know, the one that can't let go of anything? I thought when I moved cross country with only what I could carry in my car, that I had proven that I understood that things were, well, just things; I thought I knew that it wasn't things that made a person or that made a person happy.

When my favorite little swiss army carry on bag's handle broke... (you know the bag: the one that has been with me all over through so many adventures and trials) ... I realized that I have not overcome attachments to things.

Maybe I was tired, or maybe I was frustrated from a week of traveling, or maybe I was just depleted from no rest before the trip ... I clearly didn't have any compassion in me for myself or anyone else. All I know is that when the handle broke, essentially rendering that little bag useless, my heart broke too. I didn't have time to mourn it, I still had to figure out which was the water bus we needed and find the BnB host (little did I know that would also turn into a nightmare (see previous post) as well) ... so I picked up the handle, grabbed the rest of my bags, gave my mother the "you will have to carry your own bags now" look, and kept on trudging. 

It took me the entire rest of the trip ... and into several days in NY before I could contemplate replacing the bag.  Picture me stooping down to pull on the remaining part of the handle, somehow balancing two bags on my shoulder and wheeling the little guy all over Florence trying to find the car rental agency -- or carrying it by hand up and down the many, many stairs through the Rome metro.  Luckily once we in one place we didn't have to move it anymore... and I could temporarily forget that the little bag was done.

My mom kept offering to buy me another bag ... but not one as expensive as my bag had been -- it wasn't about the price, really, it was about the functionality, the uniqueness of the bag ... and, yes, on some level it was that this was one of only two gifts my ex-husband ever got me that was truly thoughtful.  I am choosing to put that little piece of nostalgia back into the recesses of the brain for the moment ... I didn't want a new bag. I certainly didn't want some other little black bag that would never be as good as my little bag.  [I don't have any pictures of it, alas, you will have to take my word for it on its being unique and wonderful.]

I could not conceive of another bag ... towards the end of the trip I remembered that it had a "lifetime warranty" -- and I tried to figure out if I could at least get it to someone in NY to see if it could be saved.

It turned out to be the first step towards letting go -- in an odd turn of events, since that hardly seems like letting go.  I trudged it over to Williamsburg and left it ... repacking my stuff into a bag J graciously offered to let me have (or use as I plan to give it back to her).  And I turned my attention away from mourning the bag ... I decided if they said they could not repair it, or if the repairs would be too costly, that I would just not go pick up the bag.  And I did forget about it... until my flight back to ABQ approached, and I hadn't heard from the repair shop.

When the man on the other line said there was nothing he could do ... I asked him to just throw the bag away ... and I had a flash ... this was the second time in 12 months that I had asked someone else to throw away some "thing" that I had become too attached to -- and just like that, I was that person who was placing too much value in THINGS ...me, of all people ...

I want to work on letting go of those attachments... but I am also trying to be compassionate with myself.  I gave myself permission to replace the bag even though I can't really afford it right now.  What's the point of working hours on end if I can't buy myself a little bag??

I found another swiss army (now victorinox) bag on super sale (half the price of my last little bag) -- not black, not necessarily utterly unique, but I think I will recognize it when it comes down the ramp:

When I pulled it out of the box, I fell in love with the color ...

And it has lots of little cubbies inside... and a little bag for a suit that I will probably never use

And my computer does not fit into the little sleeve in the front, but I am not mourning that ...

I am sure I will find something else to put in there...

I also decided to replace my favorite dragonfly bag...and it came in a few days later ... not the same color as I had hoped.  After I placed the order, I had chastized myself for not getting a different color -- I do really LOVE that purse ... I have loved it to death.  But someone had suggested to me that I get a different color, but I stubbornly insisted on the garnet ... and they are now making it in "rose" --not the same. 
I am deciding whether or not to return it ... get something different ... or just get the green ... ideas? here is the green ... called jade

this is what the color should look like ...but now as "rose" it has a flatter look ...

Here are some others I found while looking around sallyspicer.com:

 of course, these are both on sale ... which means that someday they won't have these colors anymore... this is what happens when you like what is being discontinued more than the "new colors"

 ah ... life.