Long-winded, potentially worth it

I was trying to fall asleep the other night -- probably back to sleep -- and all I could do was turn over in my head what a wretched, uncaring person I am.

Yeah... I am an asshole -- frankly, everyone has asshole moments -- and I am readily willing to accept mine.  Aloud.  I say it, maybe, too much because, on one level, I am admitting it; and, on another, I am also refuting it.

But, not so deep inside, I am also punishing myself for being an asshole -- over and over.

I don't get it right all the time. [IT=life]

Let's be honest, there are plenty of times, I get it super wrong.

I am impatient and my emotions get the best of me ... and I have been more guilty of this lately when I wasn't feeling well.

There are parts of me that decide it's okay because I am exhausted and I can't take it anymore.

But the inner judge is not into letting me slide.

I replay every slight I have ever given to anyone in my head endlessly ... and I feel guilty -- knowing there is no way to make it up.

I must and can only do better in the future.  And, then there is that little voice that reminds me, "you can only do your best at any given moment -- and that best might not be perfect."

Lots of voices rolling around in there.

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Where is this coming from?

Let's start with feeling so raw lately -- all the time -- like a big sore that keeps rubbing up against everything and reminding me that I am in pain.

Feeling out of control because being sick/exhausted has meant feeling like I have zero control over my emotions.  I can't tell you how many times I have just wanted to sit down, wherever I am, and weep.

Perhaps I should have -- at least once, just to get a little relief.

Then there was the "making someone cry" episode.  Yes, I apparently make people cry.

Actually, somehow I interact with people who think it is okay to make others feel like we are ruining her life.

Whatever... she cried, I didn't really do anything, except that I am sorry that she was so upset she cried... and I regret not doing anything to help her.

It was not my sole responsibility to do something about it ... it is just that I am that person that usually tries to help people.  I feel like I fell down on the job even though I was managing at least 19 other people's emotions at the same time.

It feels yucky -- that's all I can say.
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Then there is this post that is so popular ... next to the penguin movie song post that shall remain un-hyperlinked, it is seriously one of the most popular posts.

Many people land there, I don't know if they read it. I imagine after searching the keys words that bring it up, it is the last thing they really want to read.  They don't leave messages, so I just have no idea what the readers feel ... but I decided to reread it since it keeps showing up on the statcounter.

It is just what I meant to say ... compassion -- we all have it in us, we need to reach for it more often ... for OURSELVES and for others.
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I finally made it back to meditation this week ... I realized after the "make someone cry," beating myself up that I was missing out on doing a piece of self care that works almost every time... And this was no exception.

After sitting for an extra long session -- I opted to sit while the others did walking meditation -- we had a little discussion ... not dharma talk, where our community dharma leader suggested that we think about how the practice works for us.

Let's just say that I was feeling like there was no practice in me at all ... I spent the first few minutes listening to her story, but really chastising myself for not being patient, compassionate or loving with myself, others and strangers... I felt like hell... She kept talking.

As others in the group shared, I could feel tears dying to come out, welling on the inside.  I couldn't even bring myself to that bit of relief.

And then something started to shift.

There was a melting, the proverbial chink in the armor.

It might also have helped that I spent the last twenty minutes focused on metta towards those folks I felt I had slighted (after working my way up to it by showering metta on folks I love and care about ... and myself, too).

Whatever, it worked... I started to remember that besides that ONE incident of the crying person, I had, indeed, showed love and compassion to many other souls that day -- and I had fallen down with others ... but, I was, afterall, human and a good person.

A little ray of sunshine started peeking out of my heart, and it made all the difference.

My wish for you:
That you always find a way to locate that little ray of sunshine.

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May you shower yourself with compassion today -- however much you can muster.
And a little bit more tomorrow.
And when you feel up to it, shower the world with some compassion, too.

It is, in fact, our Buddha nature.