tension

Last year, we adopted a family through the Salvation Army -- it was my little sister's idea. A great one, by the way. She rightly saw that we have so much and NEED so little, why not give to a family as a family. We wanted to give to the mom so she could play Santa as we are sure she would like to, but she has to first pay the rent and buy the food and the gas and on and on.

It was a hard sell.

I don't know why it surprises me, but it does. My older siblings decided not to participate. One never responded to the email and the other said she wanted to do something for her husband's family member who had fallen on hard times. But later on I would hear her say to her daughter that we were doing it because we didn't want to buy them presents.

That they didn't want to participate made me sad; but to hear the premise twisted in such a way really hurt my heart.

Not only had we (the three younger siblings and my mother with a little cajoling) gotten as much as we could off the list for the family, we had also bought a little something for everyone else -- maybe it was small: less than $10 -- but we did our best to be thoughtful with that $10.

In the end, it was a nice Christmas but there was so much tension leading up to it, I was worried how it would turn out.

The only thing that had gone absolutely right was doing for others -- we had to be done with the list by the first week in December in order to have everything ready to give to the Salvation Army -- and we made the deadline. We all converged on my parents house for a faux-Thanksgiving and gathered the gifts we had bought -- sharing with each other the treasures we were hoping would meet with approval on Christmas day -- even though we wouldn't be there to see it.

After that weekend, I was so excited about Christmas -- I spent time shopping for those little gifts for my family with a joy I can't remember having in the crazy shopping season. [I usually buy gifts all year round in order to avoid the crazy buying people that descend on malls at this time of year.]

This year, time got away from us -- and we just started planning. The same three are committed and we strong armed my mother into a contribution as well -- and I want to invite my other siblings to participate.

I drafted an email to them to try to explain in greater detail the why and the how -- we have had the great fortune to have a wonderful family who has over these many years given so much to us. We just want to share that with others -- we don't need to buy each other things -- it's so not about things ... I even offered the alternative of coming up with creative, heartfelt gifts for each other -- share your favorite song or poem or book or picture; invite a sibling to dinner or a movie or a hike or just to spend time together; offer to babysit and give one of our siblings with children the night off or a weekend off... or make something for each other or just write your sibling a letter...

I am afraid to send it ... I am not sure if I have expressed it quite right -- I am not saying there is anything wrong with gifting -- but isn't the season about more than what you can buy in a store? And I am not talking about Jesus... if you are confused, read this, or this.

I am talking about a time to share with family -- for some families the only time in the year that they are together -- a time to count our blessings -- and maybe to see that no matter how bad things seem, we really do have quite a lot of wealth -- not always money but certainly the support of our family and friends and the legacy of hardworking parents and grandparents who were willing to leave the comfort of their countries (or distress or discomfort as the case may be) to give us a chance at something better... there's more, you know it, though.

I am looking for the courage to send the note. I am hoping for the wisdom to understand that it is less what I say and more how they hear. And the patience to accept whatever will come.

We can do this without them... I would just rather not.