What if that's all it is

Lately, I have felt, again, overwhelmed. [Not as bad as when I was having nightmares or not being able to sleep.] It is just that feeling that everyone around you is in need, and you are too. I start to feel like I might not have anymore to give. I think other's needs are only a part of this overwhelmed feeling; it is more about what their needs trigger in me.

Just when I think that I need to be mindful of reserving some resources for myself...that friend who is needing something, asks a simple question that furthers my own quest for understanding.

[Ah...it was RIGHT to give a little bit more of myself, again. Fears of scarcity aside, I usually err on the side of giving more than less, but I am ashamed that I worry about running out of the energy I need to keep giving to my friends.]

What if that's all love is?

"That" in this case is someone who likes you; the way it feels to be "adored" by someone else. At its essence, "that" was a wanting someone else to know you not necessarily anything you felt for him/her. "That" included having someone to hang out with, to be there when you get home, to be the place you lay your head. I mean, we all want someone who is FOR us, right? We want someone who likes who WE are and that looks different depending on the person. It sounds like it is about ME not about US at all. Is that love? Is there something else besides that?

Yes, yes, the butterflies, the obsession, but what about after the lust fades? Is there some greater emotion, some greater connection? I have to admit, when my friend turned to me and asked, "What if that is all there is?" I know she was thinking, what if I gave up when I already had whatever this thing called love is? Well...if you weren't feeling good in the relationship, there was something missing...but was it about the relationship? These are sticky questions, they are like gak being lobbed at you. Of course, we all have issues that we bring to relationships and these issues can cause us discomfort or downright depression. But, that doesn't mean that a bad relationship is just YOU waiting to be FIXED. So, then we are back to the original question....
who the hell knows?

I can only really say this, I know that we expect WAY too much from relationships. I have been accused of thinking of relationships through the lens of the fairy tale. Guilty. Yet, companionship is not relationship. Marriage is too difficult to try to make it work with someone who you don't LOVE. I want to say I believe that LOVE is more than companionship. But I was hard-pressed to really express what I used to think was LOVE.

But, I did come out with another view of an old picture, maybe it will become a panorama; maybe it will be a 360 view that makes more sense when I am done. [Are we ever done?]