Your Heart's Desire

There is a whole world out there, and if you ask me what I want, I wouldn't know where to start.

There is only one dream I have held onto all these years. Even though I ran away from it more than once, it was still the only want I have ever been able to name. Now that I am coming to grips with never getting that want, I don't know how to name my heart's desire.

That dream is so strong, various sub-wants outlive the reality that the dream can never be... most visibly the dream of having a family. What does it mean to be a single parent? How much love can one person pass on to others? Is it selfish of me to have a family that is less than what I had growing up? Two parents don't guarantee a happy family, but two parents working together can make it easier to get there.

To me, being a parent means sacrificing; making your children and their well-being more important than anything else. I don't mean spoiling children by any means; I mean, giving up what I want for what's best for my family. My father went to work every day to a job that was much less than his dream so that we would have a stable home. But if you asked my dad if he regrets those 40 plus years, he wouldn't know what you were talking about. That's love. That's sacrifice.

I love children. I find them the most fascinating creatures on earth. Even as I have always dreamed of having a family, I have always been afraid that I would not be a good mother. Now, contemplating, no planning, to have a family as a single mother, I wonder what it will be like.

I know I can do it. I believe in my ability to work hard, but I fear failure. It won't be easy. I am not afraid of tough times, but what if I don't have what it takes to sacrifice and make someone else paramount in my life? Is this just a selfish attempt to have a captive audience to love me? Am I manipulating the circumstances to create an insular world where I can hide?

For every logical reason I can articulate why it is a good and right decision for me to adopt that mythical sibling group, there is an opposite emotional construct that makes me doubt everything. Is the sky really blue? If the sun is shining, is it really warmer outside? Will the rain ever really stop? It's a vicious battle with the demons.

So many questions, so few answers. Too much doubt and not enough certainty. As long as I continue to look for the answers outside, I will always be unsure of the responses to these questions.