The Light of Day

I was up almost all night. I took a little nap between 5:30 and 8am, so if I am largely incoherent, please forgive me.

I should have been finishing up a report I was working on, or applying for the stack of jobs on my desk, but, instead, last night, late, I did the simplest internet search. I don't think I wanted to see the result I got, but I am truly not sure.

I can't say what compelled me, exactly; I had a strange feeling all day that there was something out there that I was intuiting but couldn't name that was asking me to demand answers and/or to commit to my resolution.

I spent a fair amount of time over the past few days examining myself for signs of runaway fear. Was I making up feelings to give me the right to run? Was I just obsessing because I have a lot of other things to do that I don't feel like doing? Both of these are pretty harsh on myself. Afterall, my intuition has been pretty dead on for many other situations.

I turned my attention to my crazy insecurity and that which I think has kept me from having what I want, in many arenas, for as long as I can remember: I don't believe I deserve .... fill in the blank. I know that I cannot claim the gifts of the universe until I am willing to believe that I deserve them, but somehow I keep looking for external validation to believe. What will it take for me to believe? What are the steps? What do I have to do?

The past few months have been chock full of uncomfortable situations that I have to figure out how to survive, and my goal has been to survive with dignity.

Last night, as the hot tears carved tracks in my cheeks and blurred my vision, I fought back the self recrimination. I will not berate myself for wanting, for making an all out effort, for losing to someone else. It is a struggle. I can't decide what hurts most: losing or having played it all and lost.

I have to believe that all these experiences are helping me to make progress, but it is really difficult to find the silver lining here. On the one hand, it makes it easier for me to think clearly about what I need to do for MYSELF with my next professional move. It makes it easier to stay here and continue with my plans to buy a house and adopt children. On the other hand, I give up the dream of raising a family with the love of my life. Someone else gets to do that, again.

Maybe he just isn't right for me. Maybe we are not soulmates. Maybe there is a chance I could feel this strongly for someone else. Maybe happiness is possible without him. I just can't help thinking it is some other kind of happiness, not the one I wanted with him.

I am not in a ball on the floor or reduced to a puddle. I guess that is a victory of a sort.