Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Surviving Triggers... part 1

As you may have noticed, April and May are generally hard months.  Events of the last six weeks have impacted this fact by making them infinitely more difficult.

As a result, I took off mother's day this year.  Mother's day this year happened to fall on my brother's birthday which is also my nephew's birthday.  My brother was born on mother's day making his loss all the more painful on said day for my mother ... either it was luck to have it all on one bad day or the worst luck to have to have it all so powerfully brought home on that day.

The Mijo was not born on mother's day but for him since he lost his mom, mother's day is like a dagger ... so once again, so much worse to have it all on one day.

In my pre-latest tragedy days, I had decided to go home for that weekend so that I could support my mom through the hard day and celebrate my nephew even though his mom is not there.

And then my life imploded and I could not even contemplate driving home or dealing with the day.

Also, I woke the Thursday before and tried to warm something in the microwave.  I touched the buttons and stared at the display and watched the numbers jump up and down. I realized I was the rubber band stretched to the point of breaking.

So, I decided to pretend the days did not exist.  It worked pretty well, but then I had to return to reality.

When I finally reached out to my family, I sent this picture

... and something about remembering those we love without pain.

[It is a picture of the growing garden I left in pots when I moved out of Albuquerque.  The friend I gave it to planted it in the ground.  Now every year it comes up for her.]

To this my younger brother replied with this poem:


If we have not struggled
as hard as we can
at our strongest
how will we sense
the shape of our losses
or know what sustains
us longest or name
what change costs us
saying how strange
it is that one sector
of the self can step in
for another in trouble
how loss activates
a latent double how
we can feed 
as upon nectar
upon need?

~ Kay Ryan, born in 1945, American poet
my response in part 2...

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