Sleeping is challenging, unless I work 12 hours in a day and fall into bed beyond exhaustion.
Otherwise, this is what it is like. I am still exhausted, can barely keep my eyes open. Then I see the bed, and suddenly I am not tired. Or at least I can't fall asleep. I turn on a podcast, set it for 15 minutes and hope the exhaustion will take over. Sometimes it does, and sometimes I wake up every hour with gruesome thoughts or one sort or another.
In the night, there is no way to make the dark thoughts go away except for sleep. Somehow when the sun rises, the light scares those thoughts away, at least long enough for me to sleep a little bit.
The dark thoughts are the rim of the well of despair.
Maybe they are just the manifestation of the fear of falling down the well.
I am starting to feel like I need to duck and cover again, like at any moment the next tragedy will befall someone else that I love.
I am carrying around the trauma book. I am saying, when the fear and despair grip me, the equanimity phrase.
But the dark clouds keep circling. And I wonder what happened to all that healing I have been doing. Has it all come undone? Is there a way back to it that doesn't start back at zero?