I don't know for how long, but for right now, nineteens are hard.
Five months, yesterday.
I got to the middle day and had only cried once ... I thought, maybe it is getting easier.
Just that thought hit me like a dagger through my heart. Tears tumbled down my face and my vision was blurred.
I felt guilt mixed with the pain and longing.
I don't want it to get easier.
And I desperately need it to be easier.
The tears come easily now ... everything reminds me of my brother ... or it reminds me of something I never told him ... or I just remember the pain of that day ...
Usually I welcome the tears ... happy they are not damming up behind some crazy sense of control. The easier they fall the less they hurt. But one of these days, crying in public...
Why is it so appealing to be as close to the ground as possible when I feel this way?
It is easier and it is not easier and it is still unbelievable.
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1 day ago
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I was just listening to Mike Tyson interview where he said (on losing a child) "I can't be profound about it. There's nothing profound about it. It's a loss you have to accept...that you don't. You have to. You just don't, but you have to..Otherwise you dig a grave for yourself." He nicely captured the balance of "having to" and how your surviving is proof you did somehow but emotionally, you don't. You just keep living.
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