processing and writing

I had high hopes for today in terms of posting ... I have a draft that now will probably not be ready until next Monday ... so, instead, just a brief post to acknowledge recent events.

I was minding my own business, trying to listen to a little TV while I wrote my paper last night when George Snuffleupagus (no real relation to Mr. Snuffleupagus) broke in a with a special report.

I blame it on the stress of writing ... why did I get myself into this grad school thing again??

But lately situations I used to be able to just yell at the TV about make me weepy.

I listened, saddened by my own reaction, to the news of Osama bin Laden's capture/death. I know on a very base level that it is wrong to be gladdened to hear that someone has died, even when that person is evil or has been in terrible pain. It is just wrong. Yet, it is the only reaction we seem to be able to have.

I wanted to hear what the Dalai Lama or the Amish would have to say. I imagined, in vain, the idea that we could sit with bin Laden's extensive family (or maybe just one representative) to tell them we did not hold them responsible, that we are able to forgive. But, I am not sure that we can. Instead, it would appear, that we used bin Laden's dying sister's DNA to prove that we had the right guy... though from later news reports it is not clear that it was ever an issue that we had the right guy this time.

I am grateful to the soldiers, Navy SEALS, that confronted evil and took it down ... both for the emotional scars that must come with killing anyone and for the courage and loyalty and patriotism that allow them to themselves in harm's way for us on a regular basis. This is truly a case of asking people to do for us what we would not willingly do for ourselves.

I am hoping that there is some modicum of peace for those who lost loved ones on 9/11 in knowing that as a country we did not forget to seek justice... though this "justice" is what makes me bristle and weep.

I cannot know their pain.

I thought of my student who lost his father that day ...thankfully as close as I had to get to losing someone. As one survivor said last night, it will not bring him back. My student will still be fatherless for the rest of his life.

I remain confused about what to do with all these thoughts and emotions ... and I am even a little grateful to be able to turn off the TV and go back to work on the papers, though my head is heavy with all the tears I have left to cry.

UPDATE:
My horoscope for the day, courtesy of YAHOO:

Your past mistakes are definitely lessons you should learn from, but try not to let them paralyze you. You can't let yourself be intimidated by what might happen ... you just have to trust yourself that you can do it. Now is not the time for mulling things through, reviewing all the options, or debating pros and cons. No -- it's the day to grab the bull by the horns and show no fear. By putting on an award-winning bravery act, you will fool yourself into believing you're fearless!

Did I mention that I am wearing my necklace in the FIERCE position today? God, if only it were that easy.