Full Disclosure

So, I have been holding back some on the details of the date. Truthfully, I have been processing a lot in the not online journal. There are layers to the truth, and I will try to get there. I was hoping for a better outcome; and I have been talking myself into seeing the silver lining. And, I have been hiding from the pain of disappointment. It seems counterproductive to acknowledge it, but since it won't go away, there is nothing else to do.

We had a great conversation that first day. I was so nervous, I was shaking...I had to sit on my hands for a while. But the conversation was so easy eventually I did calm down (or rather I gave myself a pencil to play with as I talked). There was only limited mention of personal info, and the conversation kept ranging over whatever came up next. I thought to look at the time and I was already late getting to my volunteer job. I jumped up and ran out...later I felt bad for having left like that and sent an email. That was the "real message in a bottle" I mentioned the other day because he just never responded to that.

I spent the next week processing all the emotions that came up for me just stepping out into the dating world. It was a roller coaster... one minute up, feeling proud I had taken the step, next minute down, feeling rejected. I had to admit that one big reason I wanted him to email or call (yes, I sent my number in the email ... talk about opening yourself to more rejection, not I have two modes of communication from which to be rejected) was because I don't want to have to date to find the right one. It is exhausting and frightening and I am not particularly fond of feeling vulnerable -- or any good at it either. I certainly didn't know enough about him after one hour of talking to know if he was the one. Oh and a big thanks to him for shaving the beard... since he looked more human (read: less hotter than hell).

The following Tuesday, one week later, I went back to the scene of the date to see how he would react to me since he hadn't responded to the email. I got there early, set myself up under the headphones to read and work on my fieldnotes. I finished one article and started another before he came in. When he saw me, after he had gotten his drink, he walked right over to my table and asked if he could join me. I said sure and he went to get his stuff. Another super long (over an hour) conversation started up ... again, easy talk ... starting with school and then politics and then it turned somewhat personal as he talked about his divorce (and marriage) and kids and being a parent. Here's where I get into trouble because the more I talk to him the more I think, wow, he could be the one. I don't know that I can be an accurate judge of his emotions at this point, but I didn't feel more than a friendly, I like talking to you, vibe from him. Again, we talked longer than I expected ... no more work for me. I finally asked him what time it was because he had on a watch. Before he looked at it he said, "It's late and you have to go ... and you didn't get any reading done." I think he said he enjoyed talking to me, I can't really remember ... my mind was racing with how could I get to my volunteer job on time.

Of course, he has not followed up with me ... and I don't expect he will other than to talk with me when he sees me at sbucks. I am going to be OK with that ... and try to full forward all my let's be friends, this is great, attitude. And try not to secretly lust after him since he is not interested in me. Again, this hurts... and it is back to the drawing board. Except that C. said this second meeting counts as my second date! So, now I have fulfilled the pact and whatever else comes in the next few weeks is just GRAVY!

Now I have given the internet the full story, warts and all... I wish it had a better ending, but this is the real world after all.

Feeling super homesick these days, maybe that's another thing the roller coaster provokes, but I will be heading home in two weeks to celebrate all these May people birthdays... it cannot come soon enough
Pops and his May birthday girls:

Pops and his May (and one June) birthday boys: