Courage

My new journal -- the one where I am keeping my reflections on graduate school -- is titled Courage. Theoretically, having the courage to write every day. Yeah... since that doesn't happen here, you know it doesn't happen there either.

On the other hand, sometimes I can force myself to put down on paper the roller coaster that is my emotional state when it comes to this graduate school thing.

As I look back at it now, I think it is odd how often I have turned to that little brown book when things are going well.

Yesterday, I had a particularly good day (for the most part), and I immediately wanted to write it down. Perhaps because it is a roller coaster, and really wonderful can become disastrous so quickly. I will admit that it is my own volatility and not the world that causes such drastic ups and downs. I am working on it ... either on accepting that is who I am, or just to breathe more and more deeply.

In any case, yesterday, I went to observe in the classroom for the second time. It started out great ... because I dropped in on the business manager and had a nice chat about the school to get some back ground information. I popped over to the classroom and had a really nice conversation with the teacher who is allowing me to observe her class. C is also from southern California -- a topic we never got to during our last conversation. She is often all business; and I appreciate the emotional fortitude it takes to let someone in your class like this.

I was also falling asleep because the only decongestant I had in the house was benadryl and I couldn't make it without it ... let's see, I am fighting the allergies with THREE kinds of allergy meds right now. Um... allergies 102, Anna -32. Yeah, the wind might stop blowing for a few days and give me a little relief.

C set up the lesson for me, it was going to be "not as creative" as she likes to be, so she seemed disappointed not to give me a better show. The kids were responding to the wind ... I remarked to my colleague later that hot wind makes people antsy, especially kids. I know I have a reaction to it. They were super squirrely and emotionally needy. The ADD kid, G, very sweet, actually, was particularly out of control. Every three seconds there was another "Miss" statement -- wanting approval, absolution, care, concern, bucking up. C tried her best to get through each piece of the full plate she had set for their learning ... and G kept calling out ... randomly, not able to stop himself, even when you could tell that he would rather have been in better control. The other two were alternately intimidated and giggly. C changed strategies several times, recognizing their energy level, giving them movement and stress release. Going through really academic subjects pushes all their buttons.

I could feel her anxiety as well. Finally, she found an activity that got G to settle down and the other two did excellent work as well. It was just at this turning point that I had to leave ... but I walked out like I was on cloud nine. I can't really explain why it made me so giddily happy except to say that C is on her way to becoming a master teacher. She is a natural. She loves her kids; she really CARES about their learning; and she shows it by pushing them to do better LOVINGLY. It was so wonderful to see her moving through her tool box to figure out how to get through to these kids on such a hard day. [Did I mention they are also at the midpoint of two weeks of state testing. Talk about anxiety.]

I am trying to bottle that feeling ... or at least capture it so I can remember.

For a moment, I glimpsed the future... making my professional career by watching teachers and taking lessons from their style back to new teachers. Documenting their truly meaningful work that is too often disregarded alternately as overpaid babysitting or simply lacking in results. For a moment, all the crazy readings, and papers, and my challenging cohort and the wild dynamic with the professors were just blips on the road to what I WANT. They are just what I have to get through in order to do what I want to do.

And for a minute, it made me miss the classroom.

Then, the intended receiver answered the message in the bottle and shattered my momentary peace with chaotic emotions... that is another story, and I still have a paper to draft. So, next time... and maybe there will be more of a story then.