Blame it on the Wind

The original title of this post was going to be ... on being vulnerable (just in case you felt you needed to know the subtext right up front).
The short answer is I am not very good at it.

Case in point, I sent the message in the bottle and I was fine. When I got the encouraging emails, I was even better. As long as I thought that the object of the post would never read it, I had no anxiety. In point of fact, I had not actually put myself in a position of vulnerability.

Then I get the message, and I lose it. I cannot even begin to bring myself to recount the crazy, out of control thoughts that went through my head. I can barely bring myself to share the wild out of control physical reaction. It was as if I were 12 years old. And if you have been paying attention, you know how I feel about 12 year olds.

In fact, it had nothing to do with this particular situation. This was just the situation laid bare.I have been feeling vulnerable for quite a while. Let's be honest, if that is possible, moving thousands of miles away from the careful community I created in Oakland, starting a completely new situation - work/school/making a living, in a new place, and doing all of this alone all make me pretty vulnerable. Add in all the grad school bullshit, and I guess I am just a jumble of vulnerability.

So, long story short, I sent a terrible response message ... when he didn't respond, I thought to look at it, and I forwarded it to a friend who couldn't stop laughing ... if that gives you any idea of just how terrible the email was. Blogging aside, I tell you people, I was not built for electronic communication. I need to see people in order to react properly. Or maybe it would not have mattered.

Ah...so, for far too many hours, while I should have been writing a paper or doing reading, I was obsessing about just what a loser I am. I will not bore you with more of those details, but it was too many hours. And then I had the little baby breakdown. I realized that I need to do a much better job checking in with myself and supporting myself - not running myself down.

It is a process ... I am working through it.

And for those who care or are wondering ... C. helped me edit a draft explaining why I am not a crazy stalker ... which I sent late last night; and this morning the hot man wrote me back. By then, of course, I was no longer a crazy stress case. And ... one of these days I will meet him in person, and I will report back. ;)

About the title ... Monday we had crazy Albuquerque winds, warm weather and a little fire which made it feel like the east winds of my childhood; the wind continued on Tuesday but without the heat. I was sitting in the classroom on Monday watching the kids climb the walls when it dawned on me... I know this, it's the wind, it makes people crazy. Some people conjure the full moon when they think about people's emotions being affected, but for me it's the hot wind. So, yeah, blame my crazy reactions on the wind. I am better now and the winds have calmed, for now.

I don't have any pictures of wind, so this will have to do. These pics are from one of my drives between SoCal and NoCal.