where I have been... so far

I convinced myself that I would be able to work through everything and be DONE and ready by the end of February -- you know, just in time to get back to work and await responses from graduate schools.

I should know better... somewhere deep inside, I do know better.

But I am planner and I think I can plan EVERYTHING... despite all the evidence to the contrary.

ALAS... things have not been going as planned. Things have been going as they should, no doubt... slowly, painfully, arduously.

It turns out there is only so much twisting and turning of my soul in one day or even in one week. A couple of hours of writing or serious contemplation has meant several days where at least half the day is spent in bed. It takes all the emotional courage I can muster to walk myself up the street to the cafe.

Lately the emotions have been so close to the surface that I can't seem to go for more than a few hours before my eyes well up again... it feels like I am making no progress, but then I will have the tiniest of revelations.

I wish I could say that I celebrate these little victories, but I barely notice them before I am deep into the next struggle.

It is like a serious wrestling match in my subconscious... I can't explain it, I can barely talk about it, and surely my friends think I am either unhappy with them or ignoring them or just hiding...

The good news/bad news of the week is that I am not going back to work in March -- I won't have a steady gig again until June. I have enough money saved, so I will survive financially -- I will have more time to work on this process as well as some time to work on my other project. I need more structure but also the freedom to stay in bed all morning if I need to -- so it is good to have more time and it is not so good to have so much time.

The best I can do to comfort myself lately is to read through my quote book to find some piece of spiritual nourishment upon which to meditate.

Here is one of many that spoke to me today:

I have been told that crying makes me seem soft and therefore of little consequence.
As if our softness has to be the price we pay out for power, rather than simply the
one that's paid most easily an most often.
-Audre Lorde

I had been carrying this around in my back pocket [thanks, Andrea, you seem to intuit what I need] -- to remind myself, but I seem to have misplaced my little card, and I will have to write it out again because I need the reminder... sometimes hourly.

I may only be able to back post and/or post my meditation quotes for a while -- although I am hording a rant that needs to be released at some point.

Send me some encouragement if you can. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel...