There is a life-force
within your soul,
seek that life.
There is a gem in
the mountain of your body,
seek that mine.
if you are in search of That
Don't look outside,
look inside yourself
and seek That.
I try to spend time with the mijo on Tuesdays – usually it is his time for the grief group and mine for therapy.
I love the mijo – sometimes more than I think is prudent … love is just such a thorny emotion.
Every time I look in his eyes, I remember that his mom can't anymore. And it breaks my heart.
So that joy that I have always derived from spending time with him is now always mixed with these bittersweet acknowledgements about what he has lost; what I have lost; what we have all lost.
I hold in my pain because I am not sure how to talk to him about the grief that either of us experiences in these moments.
Then I go to the grief therapy session and my lovely therapist encourages me to open up … to dig deeper, to look underneath my frustration, my pain, my overwhelm.
We agreed, again, this time that I don't have to add the insult to injury.
As I suggested to a friend last week, at that moment, I could pivot.
I could move my critical eye for a moment away from my own imperfection. I could remember in that moment to apply some compassion, to give myself that coveted BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT that I so wish others would also give me.
These are big and momentous agreements, acknowledgements, understandings.
So, I am digging out my metta mantras and trying again.
When the demons (or gremlins) start to denigrate my being, call out all of my imperfections and human failings, I am going to try to remember to stop, breathe and say these to myself.
May I acknowledge abundance.May I allow love to flow to and from me.May I embrace my gifts and talents.May I feel beautiful and strong.
And these revised mantras:
May I see myself with love and compassion.May I love myself in failure and triumph.May I express my tender, whimsical self.May I open to all the love around me.
And I will work on developing others if these do not provide the balm or succor needed.