Monday, August 11, 2014

More DailyOm Inspiration...

The therapist asked me to look up the word martyr after I reacted strongly to her asking me to consider whether or not I was behaving like a martyr.  She assured me that she did not mean to be judgmental but I could only hear that I was a bad person for complaining ... 

Here is what the dictionary told me:  
1.  a person who willingly suffers death rather than renounce his or her religion.
2.  a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice.
3.  a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering: a martyr to severe headaches.
4.  a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.
verb (used with object)
5.  to make a martyr of, especially by putting to death.
6.  to torment or torture.
 So, as far as I can see, she was referring to meaning number 2, and I could only conceptualize meaning number 4.  We were both justified in holding different views of this simply little six letter word.  As with many communication issues, we cannot leave to much to interpretation.  It is too easy for competing definitions to talk past each other.

When I found this DailyOm, I recognized myself immediately ... it's a good step, not really the first time I have thought about this.  But looking it in the face, following up with that processing of patterns, just might lead me to some different behaviors ... or at least some awareness.  It might be that only awareness can lead to dealing with it more skillfully...
June 11, 2014
Acknowledging Our Pain
Rescuing the Rescuer

by Madisyn Taylor

Sometimes the motivation to help others may be 

an extension of a deep desire to heal 

a wounded part of our self.

Some people seem called to help others, often from very early on in their childhoods, responding to the needs of family members, strangers, or animals with a selflessness that is impressive. Often, these people appear to have very few needs of their own, and the focus of their lives is on rescuing, helping, and healing others. While there are a few people who are truly able to sustain this completely giving lifestyle, the vast majority has needs that lie beneath the surface, unmet and often unseen. In these cases, their motivation to help others may be an extension of a deep desire to heal a wounded part of themselves that is starving for the kind of love and attention they dole out to those around them on a daily basis. For any number of reasons, they are unable to give themselves the love they need and so they give it to others. This does not mean that they are not meant to be helping others, but it does mean that they would do well to turn some of that helping energy within.

One problem with the rescuer model is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs or get them met. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person’s dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own. However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face the needy aspects of their own psyche, he or she can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world.

Some signs that you or someone you love may need to rescue the rescuer within are inner burnout from over-giving; underlying resentment; an inability to admit to having needs of one’s own; and an unwillingness to be vulnerable. Help comes when we allow ourselves to admit we need it, acknowledging our humanity and our wholeness by acknowledging our pain. The understanding we gain in the process will naturally inform and inspire our ability to help those in need to do the same.
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