What You Can't Prepare For

I grew up in earthquake country ... everywhere else, they think, those Californians, they're so prepared for earthquakes.  Well, I gotta tell you, we weren't.

Sure, we practiced at school by getting under our desks and protecting our necks.  We learned about where it would be good to stand and not to run out of the house.

But we didn't buy survival kits or make sure we had fresh batteries or water jugs.

We prepared mentally -- for whatever might come.

When an earthquake hits, you might not be somewhere that has a desk or a sturdy table or a door frame handy.

It might be in the middle of the night and the earth shaking just feels like you have activated the magic fingers -- or things might drop on you -- or it might feel like an eighteen wheeler just drove through your house.

You just don't know -- but I always thought, I would prefer an earthquake to other natural disasters -- who wants to know a tornado or a hurricane is headed your way?

I thought this because believing that you could be prepared was simply insane... you will live through (or you won't in the worst case scenario) and you will figure it out on the other side.

I feel as though I have been living through a series of earthquakes and aftershocks for the past four weeks.

I am unprepared at every turn for how it will feel -- and all those years of living just far enough off the fault lines did not prepare me for the jarring jolts I have been experiencing, emotionally and physically.

For instance, who knew a number could cause me so much pain?  Who knew you had to mentally and physically prepare for a particular day of the month?

I did not.  I was not prepared.

October 19 came roaring in and it wasn't just an ordinary day -- it was a month since my world broke apart ... how unhinged can one person become from that simple turning of the calendar?

Perhaps it is a good sign ... a small representation that the fissures are opening wider -- tears can come through.

Does this mean healing can happen?  What does that look like? What does that feel like?

I was not prepared for any of this.  I am not prepared for whatever else is coming.  And there are no kits for me to buy so that I can pretend to be prepared.

I am just trying to ride out these earthquakes with some dignity and some compassion ... hoping somewhere, on the other side, there is some comfort and less pain.