It is remarkable the incredible abundance we live in yet feel we are in constant scarcity.
Scarcity was on my nephew's "spelling" list this week -- I hope it was really called a vocabulary list, but I am not sure if it was. He had an assignment but had not brought the list with the definitions. So, I was making up sentences for him with each word, reaching for other vocabulary that would give them the right context clues.
I noted that abundance was not on his list ... we are quick to teach scarcity, but seldom remember to demonstrate it through its opposite.
Yesterday I was malenting quietly to myself while I was not writing my paper, and my phone rang.
A good friend is in terrible straits due to a break up -- one of those long, tortuous goodbyes, or maybe nots. There are too many ugly twists and turns, but the most important piece is that it is all a horrible playing out of insecurities.
This screams scarcity/abundance to me.
There is love (and longing) all around us ... so many people looking for love (abundance). Unfortunately we mix up looking for love with looking for a missing piece, affirmation and validation (scarcity).
We are walking past each other with lists of qualities and characteristics and looks that are "acceptable" or "required" -- and we don't see the abundance of love seeking maybe because of our own yearning. I don't know... and then when we get close, we muddle, obfuscate and accuse.
Are we too scared to be vulnerable or afraid to fully surrender to another?
Are we just looking for others to do something for us that we are unwilling to do for ourselves?
The other half of the couple is not supposed to make you better, lovable, or redeemable. Love doesn't fix you or anyone else.
And true love only comes through self love and compassion.
These are truths I believe ... even though I am uncoupled. Perhaps you could say that I have endured enough bad coupling to understand and feel (viscerally) that these statements are true.
I want to believe in love ... true love ... and in healthy couples.
Watching people tear each other (and themselves) down makes my eye twitch; but when it is someone that I love, then it makes me crazy. As in, I want to go over there and punch him.
Ok, really, I just want to sit him down and make him see that this is just insecurity, fear of surrender. I just want to tell him that it is alright to be vulnerable.
I want to tell him that nothing is promised ... nothing... but that doesn't mean we should not give of ourselves with abandon.
I want to remind him about abundance... to open his eyes to it and to turn his eyes from our unfounded fears of scarcity.
There is enough love ... but we have to start with ourselves. We have to believe in our intrinsic value -- we are enough, we are lovable, we don't need to be redeemed, validated or affirmed. We are enough in our imperfection. We are just right ... right now, and we might be better tomorrow, or worse, and even then we will be just right.
I am rambling, so it is a good thing that I am not going over there to tell him (I have never met him and he is another state, so it is not even a remote possibility) nothing (nuffin as my niece would say and she would mean it, too).
Really, though, it reminds me about abundance.
This provides me with perspective I have been sorely missing for several days.
Today is 12-13-14... an auspicious day. It is the end of the sequence for these years... the last of the magical numbers for awhile (the next sequence magic will come in twenty years 1-2-34).
I set a reminder for myself -- so that I could remember to think about how I could "celebrate" this special day.
I am not going to buy a lottery ticket, though I wouldn't mind winning the lottery ... and I hear you can't win if you don't play.
I thought long and hard ... a nice dinner, a day off, a walk on the beach ... all good ideas.
I decided as I struggled getting dressed (a sure sign of feeling depressed for me) that what I really need is to recommit to myself ... my meditation, my metta exercise, my belief in abundance.
Sometimes this meditation stuff kicks me in the ass really hard and it feels like a not so friendly best friend.
And sometimes, it provides just the right jump start to remember to breathe in and out... to focus on that which I can count on ... breathing in and out... and to let the other stuff pass, in its own time, in its own way.
May I acknowledge abundance.
May I allow love to flow to and from me.
May I embrace my gifts and talents.
May I feel beautiful and strong.
May I see myself with love and compassion.
May I love myself in failure and in triumph.
May I express my tender, whimsical self.
May I open to all the love around me.
These are my wishes for all beings ... but I need to start with me.
May I forgive myself when I forget ... may I remember.