chaos and calm

I went to see Cadillac Records tonight after an intense conversation about all the emotions that have been swirling around in my head about these damn applications.

I really enjoyed the movie.

I guess I needed the talk.

I still have work to do on the last essay -- just one more paragraph... and I almost have the energy to actually write it, though I guess I have been writing it in my head all day.

Outside there are police helicopters because a peaceful protest morphed into something not quite so peaceful.

We have a right to be angry. We have a right to want to know why some people's lives are valued more than others.

Why, though, do we always end up hurting ourselves more than we show our outrage?

I know all about needing to get it out. I can't say I know the best way to do it. I know it eats us from the inside unless we can get it out. I know tomorrow all the news will play is the destruction that was the reaction to the police ... the police and the way they never take responsibility for their actions all the while they say we must take responsibility for ours.

I don't condone violence or terrorism in any form -- so not the rage turning into "riot" or the police shooting unarmed, restrained men in the back -- accident or intentional -- when you would rather resign that tell someone what happened, seven days later, well, it is difficult to find respect for any of the actions and some level of understanding of the reaction.

The thing about rage is that it isn't logical. Just like fear isn't logical.

I know I am ranting and not making sense, just like the chaos that the police helicopters who are trying to herd from the skies doesn't make sense, none of it makes any sense... where do we go when logic fails us and all we have is senseless violence?

I worry because things aren't going to get better... things are only going to get worse as the economy is mended, especially since that mending seems to be coming on the backs of those who have the least.

How can we be such a wildly rich country and still only solve our economic woes by taking more services from those who have the least?

Yeah, my ranting is slowly moving towards rage at all that has had me on the verge of tears for longer than I care to remember.

I am going to go to meditation tomorrow evening -- and try to find some calm or at least give a safe space for the rage to come out -- where no one else can get hurt, especially me.

good night and be safe.