something missing? absent?

I have an unwritten script running through my mind and body -- unwritten because there are no real words fully formed -- just a series of feelings and sensations -- most resembling the phantom bug, you know prickly, unnerving, not quite uncomfortable but annoying.

You can't quite put your finger on what it is that is bothering you, but there's something.

It's a restlessness of spirit -- you notice you are not breathing deeply, not focusing on your task. It looks like boredom, but it's really a feeble attempt at distraction -- because no matter what you do that damn phantom fly keeps buzzing by.

I feel as though I have forgotten to do something, but I certainly couldn't remember what it was in any case.

It could be related to loss. Since Monday at about 3 am when I jumped out of bed wondering if my friends were still waiting at the airport and then what kind of fool I might have made of myself, I have been mourning a loss or an absence.

Most days I feel full (and tired); there's a lot of going on in my life. At times I wish I had someone to share it with -- but then I have to think I wish I could trust someone enough to share it with him. But these moments are truly fleeting. I am happy alone; more often I worry I have little patience for the outside world and find myself yearning for alone time and sanctuary.

So what was different about Sunday?

It was a slight and maybe imaginary glimpse into the what could be. A truly simple gesture -- noticing that my turtle knows me; that she tries to communicate with me differently than with anyone else. He was noticing her and I was only an attendant detail, but that was all the more endearing. In a world zooming by at the speed of light, I am a noticer. I take it as a challenge to see people, read their actions and words, get underneath the appearance and hear personality, feel hurt and joy -- all integral to discovering (uncovering) their stories. And, of course, truly appreciating people with all of their quirkiness.

So, what's or who's missing or absent?

Actually, not someone -- there are always people to fill your days/time.

It's more than that... it's the willingness to be seen by others, it's the willingness to reach for someone who hasn't already been labeled as impossible or unavailable.

Breathing a little more deeply now.