Not sure which I need... but I need something.
Why isn't articulating enough?
A friend said recently, I just want a place to rest my head at the end of a long, hard day. And my immediate reaction to that was...but you need to be that for yourself.
I believe it. Not just I want to believe it. I believe it.
Yet, despite more than just surviving the past week, I am not buoyed by the successes. I am exhausted. I feel like I am just treading water and not moving forward. Worse, I feel like I fall off the edge so easily...and then I am desperately measuring myself against the reactions of the world around me.
Maybe I just need some sleep, but I think I need more than that... just not sure what or how to get it.
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1 day ago
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Been thinking a lot about this one...two things come to mind and they quite don't mix but also quite don't clash...
ReplyDelete(1) I really don't think we're wired as humans to be as self-sufficient as you aspire to be...we're wired to want to share.
(2) Yes, being there for yourself is important!!!! In the absence of the shoulder to rest my head upon i've been practicing celebrating and finding strength in my accomplishments and that of my family's in light of the humble beginnings...
I know, I know, in theory wanting to be self-sufficient is great and aspiring while maintaining a realistic view that we like to share is also important. I don't know if this helps but that's the best resolution I have found in my head for when I can't reconcile these two things and I don't want to beat myself up for wanting some external TLC. Hope that helps!
It's not really about self-sufficiency as much as it is about not being in a co-dependent situation... it's about not NEEDING external validators. WANTING to share my life is exactly where I want to be... but from the position that I don't NEED but CHOOSE. Not sure if you understand what I mean... I don't want to feel like every little stumble is a setback, I don't want to automatically fall into negative patterns.
ReplyDeleteI want to see stumbles as challenges to be overcome, and to know that I have the strength to do that each time. And if raising to the challenge means asking for help and support, that's ok...
So the other day...I was really tired but couldn't get myself to sleep...I refused to get off the couch...I was fighting with myself...I was trying to prove something by not succumbing to my tiredness...I finally got up and went to bed. I continued moving around...and then instead of fighting with myself I listened to what I was trying to prove by not falling asleep...and I realized I was unwilling to go to sleep because all day (and for the better part of the week) I have been giving myself negative self talk and all I wanted to prove to myself was that I would not go to sleep without saying a nice thing to myself...the negative self talk would not and will not defeat me. Ok so I don't know why I felt the need to share this but I thought I would. Later
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