Friday, October 18, 2013

Saying Goodbye

Me & Chila on the Alaska Cruise, 2008

Greg, me & Chila, circa 1971
Tonight, I will get on a plane to take my parents home. 

We need to leave today because this weekend, my brother-in-law has planned to have a celebration of my sister's life and to scatter her ashes.

The family, Easter 1972

I wish I could explain the depth of the pain it causes me to write those words.
Sisters on D Street, circa 1973

I can barely keep from crying when I have to say what I have been through in the past 13 months.

This month's 19 will be hard... there isn't any 19 that isn't hard, last month was one year since we lost my brother.

But, this is somehow more painful.

It might just be my inner-teenager trying to protect me, but I have resisted saying goodbye to my sister.

The family, October 2009
When we were ordered to say goodbye to her in the hospital room, I just wanted to scream, "I'm not ready!"
You can't force someone to say goodbye, can you?

Sisters, May 2010
I wanted to wait for a miracle.

I wanted us to join hands in a circle around my sister and not give up.

I wanted a miracle.

I knew that was the only way that she could come back to us.
The Family, July 2, 1994
 When we had the memorial for her, I think I was still in shock... and busy.

Planning, worrying, making sure everyone was okay and had what they needed.

I didn't have time to feel or process.

And, I didn't feel safe.

I don't know if I will find a safe space to mourn my sister this weekend.

The past few weeks have been so full of stress and anxiety.

I barely started breathing again yesterday, and now this...

The Fab Five, October 2009
We will all gather at the place we love so much.

The site of so many parties, weddings, and horseshoe playing.

We will put up a plaque to my sister in this place.

And then we will hike to the top of the mountain to let her go.

If only letting go were that easy.

Pray for us.

It seems unbearable to me right now.

Rest in peace, Chila.

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