breaking points

I was talking to someone recently, and I said, I don't think I can take one more thing.

Well, it feels like I have lived through a shit storm of one more things over the past few weeks.

Each time I weathered the storm, I thought, well, maybe I am stronger than I think.

And then I ended up in the hospital with my mom, and the camel's back really needed shoring up.

When my mom started taking off all her jewelry so I could take it home, and she got into the hospital bed, she suddenly looked like a small woman I barely recognized.  Luckily, by the next afternoon when she talked them into letting her out, she jumped out of the bed, with the spring in her step I am used to seeing.

I don't think I have ever felt so close to a nervous breakdown as I did over the past three days.

Sign on GG Bridge

But, I didn't break down ... perhaps I should have.

I just kept going.  I took care of my mom and my dad and got my work for money done, for two jobs.  I didn't get to my own work, not surprisingly. 

I am just hoping to not to get sick and therefore even farther behind than I already am.  But, honestly, I am also feeling like I just need to sit down, bury my head in my hands and cry until I can't anymore.

I am almost convinced that it would make me feel better -- almost -- the other part of me is convinced that there will never be an end. 

Mom and Dad

I understand that my parents are getting on in age -- that they have had long, full lives -- but I think my nieces and nephews really need them to be here -- and I need to be home so I can take care of them -- even when they work my very last nerve.

I have learned that when it rains, it definitely pours; that there is no way to stop the deluge; that we have no control -- no control over any of this.

Again

My parents teach me strength and frailty at the same time right now -- I find myself begging the spirit and universe to give me one more day with my parents -- to give them a healthy life -- to help me convince them to make healthy choices.

And, I am learning how far my back will bend ... maybe from this, I will also learn when it is okay to let the twigs snap.  It might be we need to prune the twigs off in order to get some regeneration.