It turns out he's a cheater

A while back, I was carpooling with a couple. I found them on Craigslist before I was willing to casual carpool, but after I realized just how expensive it was to commute!!

In any case, it was also very soon after the divorce. The couple was ok; she was in law school, almost done. He was a graphic designer for pottery barn. They were driving into San Francisco because he had surgery on his leg and couldn't walk very well. So she drove him to work every morning and then took herself to school.

In the time that I was carpooling with them, I learned that he was really into vw bugs and drinking. He would go to flea markets devoted to the buying and selling of obsolete parts for really old cars that probably shouldn't be on the road. He had talked her into buying one that didn't even run; he was fixing up another one or two. Wednesdays were Whiskey Weds. So Thursday mornings were always interesting.

The part that was difficult for me was that every morning there was some drama, some tension. I bristled every time, but I thought I was just being overly sensitive. He seemed super manipulative and power hungry. He couldn't drive, so he spent most of the ride telling her which lane to drive in or when to go faster or slower. I think by the end I was consciously trying to engage him in conversation during the ride to keep him off her back. But, I figured that they were a normal, regular couple and I was seeing things from a crazy, paranoid space.

Once, I was telling a friend about the carpool couple. I described him and my friend asked if he had tattoos on his hands. I hadn't ever noticed. My friend said a guy that sounded like him at hit on her at a bar recently. Weird, I thought, the carpool couple seem really solid. They are talking about buying a house.

Well, his cast came off and we stopped carpooling (and I started using the casual carpool where people don't talk to each other, I like that). I thought of them, and their talk of buying a house; I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and scream...don't invest anymore time or money in this guy. But, I just smiled. Occasionally I would see him waiting for the bus as I drove by in some stranger's car.

One day, I was walking in my neighborhood and I saw her. By then, she should have graduated and passed the bar. I told her I saw him sometimes at the bus stop, and she said, "We broke up, it turns out he's a cheater." She said she had moved to where she would be working. She was just in the neighborhood to pack up her stuff. I wished her well and kept walking down the street, but I never forgot her words. "It turns out he's a cheater."

It took me a long time to realize why her words had struck me. She was so matter of fact about it. It was HIS problem. It had nothing to do with HER. Of course, you might say. It is a perfectly logical and healthy way to see the situation.

The thing is I had just spent at least three years trying to turn myself inside out. Trying to be the person who my husband wouldn't cheat on... never even contemplating that it might not be my fault. He said it was my fault and I believed him. To be fair, not that he deserves or needs it, I wanted to believe him. His little statement was playing right into the drama I wanted to live, subconsciously or not, where I was the villain. There was something inherently wrong with me that caused him to go out and seek someone else, anyone else.

So, reading this article today, I was again taken back to these two moments in my life: when this half of the carpool couple illuminated me about how infidelity works, and my insane belief for too long on how I was responsible. I wish I could say I were completely healed and see things like my carpool buddy does, but I am still working on it.