Monday, July 04, 2016

Emotional independence?

Someone asked me the other day, after I tried to explain where I am in my life right now, how I was still upright.

It didn't really sink in for a bit.

This sign is on one side of the track & the yellow line ...

It wasn't a criticism.

I get so much of that from myself and others, it is hard not to expect anyone's reaction to be that.

She was saying ... goodness, you have so much going on.

I looked at her and didn't know what to say.

I don't remember, in fact, what I said.

But, I remember what she said next, "You look great!"

She is not a friend, well, maybe she is now... but I had just met her in person for the first time and we were about five minutes into our conversation. on the other side; the train runs between. It's the thought that counts?

I forget to give myself credit... too often.

Things are not as I would like them to be... they certainly aren't as I have planned (and planned b, c, d, e, f, and g).

And they haven't been for quite some time.

I forget how long it's been since I have had my own place, short-term and long-term goals that reflect what I desire, or even the vaguest notion of what I desire.

This hurts... large tears roll down my cheeks as I type this.

But, I am upright.  And even though I may not feel like I look great.  I am ok.

I am ok.

I feel overwhelmed every minute of the day with all that I need to get done, should get done, have promised to do... sitting alongside what I need or must do for myself.  These rarely coincide.

But, I am ok... I get up in the morning, I do what I can, sometimes that means that I just cry for a bit before I deal with the tasks at hand.

I don't know what I want next... it is not clear to me.

And so I haven't committed to a city, a job, a place... and that is not a super comfortable place to be.

I don't have a homebase...except my car right now.

But I think I am doing the right thing by taking my time in making all the daunting decisions ahead of me.

Another day ... we'll see what this one brings.

[These photos are scenes from that day when I had the conversation with my new-almost-friend in Solana Beach, CA]

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