Tenderness

"You know tenderness comes from pain" Sade

If I had to choose one word to describe how I felt on my trip to California, it would be tender. It is not necessary melancholy or hurt or even scared.

I feel like a piece of meat clobbered with the hammery tenderizing tool. Whereas theoretically it could make me more open and vulnerable, I fear it only makes me more vulnerable and wary.

My energy - that which I release into the universe - concerns me. It is all part of the new process: less fear for personal safety, more concern for my soul. It's more than worry about how I am perceived; it's about having my outside match my inside.

Another thing I realized after my trip (perhaps some while I was on it) is that more vulnerable and more open has helped me feel people again. This trip especially I felt like I was able to feel the emotions of some people who I experience as difficult and problematic. Instead of triggering a protectiveness, I truly felt their pain and was flooded with compassion for them. It changed the way I interacted with them and how I experienced myself.

In retrospect I can see that this is part of the opening - that I am responsible for prying openly heart in this way - and that I should feel glad and proud.

Perhaps this is exactly what I need to let go and let in at the same time. I need to let go of all the old agreements because they are no longer valid. I need to allow the new agreements to live as law and not as hope and conjecture.

They already figure prominently in my mind and heart - they just have not been given a privileged place on my consciousness.

(So I have beating myself up a bit for not having written this sooner. The word danced in my head for so long, but I couldn't face the computer with the scary thoughts. Today, reread my journal for 7/13-7/16 and realized I had already written what needed to be said. Blessed be!)