Friday, February 10, 2017

trying...[this all over the place - you've been warned]

We yearn for connection.

But we treat each other like hostile strangers ... on the internet, and too often in real life.

So, we post and prod ... we weave and bob, we do whatever it takes to not actually connect.

Then, at times we meet our lost tribe members and connection, sometimes brief, brings us back to reality.

Life is hard, but it is not without its beauty.

Find beauty.
So, in the weeks that have passed since I started this post, I have had a rollercoaster of events ... and I mean that quite seriously.
I had a lovely birthday - truly amazing day with friends that included dancing - an amazing meeting about the foundation to honor Sergio's memory.  I was reminded of the blessings I have in my life, especially my wonderful, supportive community.

We celebrated Sergio's 25th birthday without him -- in the lead up, I was sure it would crush me, the energy expended just getting through the last two days made me feel like I was coming down with a cold (thankfully, I am not or it was nipped in the bud).  After rain and threats of rain and cold and people dropping out and having to reassure them that participation should only be part of your own way of dealing with this tragedy ... it was a gorgeous day.  GORGEOUS.  Ominous clouds gathered at the edges but were beat back by the sea breeze, and once again, I could feel Sergio's participation in making sure that our gathering wasn't rained on.  Friends from many parts of his life gathered, drank and ate and built a fire and an altar and laughed and cried.  While my heart was breaking again into a million pieces, it was so beautiful to see in real flesh and bone the love this person wrought with so few years.  Amazing.

I got an email offering me an interview for a job I really want.  So important on so many levels -- one, I applied for two jobs, one better paying and more in line with my skills, and one I can do with my eyes closed and enough money to live off of ... I got the interview for the better job ... amazing

My car started the steep decline which I cannot afford right now ... the sound coming from the car is a mixture of the swooped up crazy muffler sound and crazy about to fall apart -- I am generally not so moved by what others might think of me, but I want to hide every time I start my car. And for the first time in 15 years, it needs to be smog checked?! Ugh... I am torn between trying to get it sort of fixed so that I can keep it for a bit longer and donating it now to someone who will take it away... and did I mention that I love my car, I really do. It is the best car in the whole world that has been beyond a trooper for all these years ... ugh ugh ugh.

I killed it in the interview... really, killed it.  Waiting to hear back if I make it to the second round sometime in the next two weeks.

The bad thing is though that every time I have a win, I fall into the largest cavern of self doubt which is where I woke up this morning.

These are the quotes I am trying to use to get me out of my funk today:
"You are full of unshaped dreams... You are laden with beginnings ... there is hope in you." ~L. Ridge

"There is alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness." ~Pearl S. Buck

Ok... it's all out there now, no more monsters under the bed. Got a stack of work to do, so I am off to be productive and wallow in self doubt no more ...

My hands are up and the wind is in my hair ... riding the rollercoaster of life.

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