zen and real life

I have been trying to be more zen [I know, I know, whatever that means]. That is to say, I have been trying to be more present. To acknowledge discomfort and other feelings but not be derailed by them ... and if I fail, to be more compassionate with myself.

What it means in real life is that I catch myself either about to jump off the cliff or already over the side and apply metta. Metta is just about the only tool in my toolbag (thanks, Dad, I guess I did need one afterall) that I know how to apply and that generally does work. I try to first send it out to those who I am judging (when the eyes narrow, and I start to think ugly thoughts about someone else, I know for sure, that I have gone over the cliff already ... good thing I am tethered or all would be lost over and over). Then I try to take a few more minutes and apply some to myself because, honestly, if I could just love myself more I wouldn't need to be so critical of others. It's a perverse way to torture yourself by being mean to others. But it is a skill I mastered before I knew better than to go down that road. And I am really, really good at it.

So, there I am, at the sb, or in line at the store, or just walking down the street, taking a moment and applying some love to the world and then to me.

It works... but not like eating chocolate. It doesn't make you feel good and satisfied ... it reminds you to have compassion. It is a different feeling than the ugly feeling that sent you there, but it is a little like touching a bruise ... comfortingly familiar and slightly painful but not that sharp pain of the original injury. I am really selling this as a remedy, right?

I imagine that someday, after more practice, it will feel different ... but looking forward to that day isn't exactly living in the present. It also isn't exactly having faith that it will all work out as the universe has planned.

It is at these moments that I just want a sign ... you know the neon one that says, you're doing the right thing. Comfort, I guess. It is at these moments that I envy those faithful people who "give it up to God," and theoretically don't worry. [I don't believe that they really feel this way, but they say they do, so on some level, that would be the envious one, you have to take them at their word ... okay quickly applying metta for that incredibly judgmental thought ... you see, life, it's endless.]

That is how I feel today ... I want a sign. I don't want to be a grown up and do my work and take my lumps and apply metta liberally. I want a sign. A really big, neon sign that says, You're OKAY and it's OKAY to eat chocolate and pizza. I just threw that chocolate and pizza thing in for good measure, and because I am hungry. And why not? If we are asking for impossible things, why not go all the way... chocolate, pizza and whipped cream with cherries!

Now that I said it, I can breathe a little more deeply and maybe the metta will feel less like a bruise and more like a hug.

Happy Friday, ya'll ... whoever is out there reading this, that is. Love life!

[For the uninitiated: METTA]
Taken on the train... unlike that day the sun is shining and it is 72 degrees in SoCal today. Beach day for some, but not for me...