The Breakup

No, not that one. This is about the friend break up.

A friend of a friend, let's call her Esmeralda like the princess from the Hunchback, has a flair for the dramatic and a tendency towards narcissism.
[I don't know anything about the Disney Esme, so I am not trying to make any judgments about her, just like her picture.]

The friend, let's call her Wanda, tells me stories about her relationship with Esmeralda. It would seem that from time to time, Esme feels the need to break up with Wanda. Keep in mind that for years they have been "best friends." I was going to write it without the quotes to hold down the cynicism, but it's late and I am tired ... too tired to feign compassion.

It goes like this. Something will happen, usually Wanda will have no idea that said something has happened, then Esme will call, or even better text, to let Wanda know that she has stepped outside of the friend box with her behavior. Esme always makes Wanda the bad guy, but she also always leaves the door open. Esme will say, Wanda, you are behaving badly, so I need to take some time away from you.

The implication is that Wanda should take that time to contemplate her transgressions so that she can dutifully apologize to Esme at the appropriate interval.

I relate this story because, however humorous I find it when Wanda is telling it, I recognize the pattern in myself all too well. It is not exactly the same thing. But it is close enough that when I hear it, I cringe a little, on the inside. It is about that open door. And a little about the opportunity to self flagellate.

I have a considered aversion to friend conflict, particularly this break up drama. In my mind, I am that modern woman who would just say what she feels. In fact, I generally do about so many topics, why not this one?

However, when it comes to breaking up, I clam up. Perhaps worse than the email breakup, I just quietly do that thing with my hands that says "I'm done" and erase the person's phone number or email address without the least mention to the ex-friend that he or she has been let go. In essence, I have moved on.

One would look at that and say, "well done, just walk away, who needs drama??" Right?!

Wrong.

It is in fact the opposite of walking away or making a clean break. I'm done with the relationship, on the outside. Unlike Esme, I don't offer the other person time and space to consider his/her transgressions. It is not an interlude, it is the end.

But saying good bye in your head is not at all like a clean break for me. The pain of regret continue to plague me long after the end of the friendship. Perhaps it would be better to have the knock-down, drag-out confrontation and put all the cards on the table (to use only TWO cliches in one sentence!). But I am apparently too tender to manage it. I think I had way too much confrontation with my ex-husband that ultimately never led to resolution to put any more faith in the process.

I am afraid of not having the internal resources to bounce back. I guess I do know somewhere that I do, but I am afraid that I don't. This is a recurrent fear ... if I dissolve into a puddle, who will rescue me? If I am in charge of consoling myself, I cannot afford to be a little puddle on the floor. Regardless of my "toughie" reputation, I am just not that sure of my resiliency.

The drawback, at least one of them - since I think I could probably enumerate various, is that I do not let go. There is no catharsis, no confrontation, no letting go. But there is a lot of self recrimination.