inside/outside and other tales on the road to authenticity

A favorite line from an all-time favorite movie goes something like this: "I'm trying to make my outside match my inside."

Ah...

It is particularly troubling for me sometimes because I can often conceptualize someone's insides even when they cannot. I can further extrapolate from behavior how these insides are manifesting and how someone might try to make their outsides match said insides.

I am learning when and how to tell people these things. I have, in the past, been known to just lay it out there, often not too tenderly. But I am learning...

But when it comes to making my outside match my inside, I regularly fail.

It's November of the year of being authentic (perhaps this is even year two, not sure anymore). I am not sure that I am anywhere close to being more authentic. I take that back. I am pretty sure I am closer, but I don't know how much farther the road is to authentic.

I know what it feels like to be utterly unauthentic. At least, I remember when I began the journey. I had been so cut off from my feelings that I couldn't feel anymore. When I started to open up again, it was fairly involuntary. I told the life coach the other day when she asked how it felt to reopen to feeling ... particularly to feeling others, I told her it felt like being able to hear the birds sing again. I remember that day ... walking along all of sudden it seemed like someone had flipped a switch, and there were the birds singing. Where had they come from? Would they stay?

I gave some advice tonight, did some truth telling to some people ... some about myself and some about them. I feel confident about the truth telling I did about myself though I don't feel utterly comforted by it. I am fairly sure that at least one of the people I told some truth about/to tonight is not feeling comforted at all. What can you do?

I think I will go home and make three cheese, whole-wheat pasta, mac and cheese and top it with Ezekiel cereal ... and maybe chocolate corn bread. Comfort food anyone??

Did I mention that I ran 5.57 miles this morning? Or that I walked an additional 1.06 pre- and post-run? And another little bit this evening? Yeah, I am working on being ready for that half-marathon in 8 days. Makes me want emergency chocolate and lots of comfort food ... and a hand to hold.

But then again, what doesn't make me want that lately?

On the way home tonight, I will put on some song I have been listening to and sing along LOUDLY. It is not as good as any of the above comforts, but it is available NOW and doesn't have any calories.

This post has been hijacked by stream of consciousness, so it must be time to end it.

Okay, before I go, I will leave you with some past comfort food...

I am sure it tasted better than it looks.