trust me?

Is it stars in your eyes? Is it a trusting nature? Is it a blind eye to reality? I don't know. I had a tense exchange with a friend the other day that brought me back (again) to this trust thing. There were four of us, three not currently in a committed relationship, two divorced, one technically divorced (it's a long story) and my friend, who was expressing her desire to get married.

She said something about wanting to trust a person and marry him. I heard an accusation about not having trusted. Why is it our ears don't work when it comes to touchy subjects? She thought we would naturally belittle her desire to be involved in such an old-fashioned convention. This, no doubt, belies the cynicism and anger she has heard us express more than once.

I have been puzzling over my reaction to her words for the past few days. Trusting and knowing when to trust are issues I have been grappling with for the past few years, but I never understood the extent to which the issue had infiltrated my daily life. Clearly, some words have taken on new and twisted meanings to me. I don't consider myself anti-marriage, though I must admit I do cringe at the thought of giving yourself over whole-heartedly to someone else.

No one gets married imagining that their spouse is going to be a cheater. I am fairly sure that the cheaters are not thinking about how their destructive effect their cheating will have on your ability to trust other people or yourself again. I want to write a long and ranting piece on how dastardly and unfair those cheaters are, but my rational mind keeps reminding me that people mostly don't act with the consequences of their actions in their minds. It would almost be easier to deal with if it were some nefarious plot to keep people from believing in fairy tales. We'll reel them in and as soon as they let their defenses down, we'll cheat on them. I can see their grinch-like eyebrows arching as they imagine the intricacies of the plan.

No, unfortunately, like everything else in life, it is just not that easy.

There are always some seemingly rational reasons on their part to point at why they are behaving in this way. These reasons are never truly rational and they generally have nothing to do with the person being wronged. If you veer off on the path of trying to understand this behavior, you just get tangled in the "why couldn't I fix him" (I am sure it could just as easily be HER, but it's just not my experience) or "if I were a better person" or, the worst: "what did I do to provoke this?" You can also meander down the path of self-righteous revenge or even worse, the "I'll get show the next one before he has a chance."

In the end you only realize that regardless of how or why, the result is a lack of trust. Maybe you even feel like you will never be able to trust again. Sometimes this looks like its evil twin: actually afraid that you might be suckered again, you just close yourself off from any reason to trust. For those of us already suffering from various fears of abandonment, this is an easy excuse to construct the really high walls that are topped with broken glass or barbed wire.

This is what it feels like to me: angry and cynical on the outside, scared and alienated on the inside. Everyone sees the anger and cynicism and generally enjoy having an excuse to dump on you or just not like you. A few people see the fear and alienation.

I don't know where it all ends up. I don't know how to work it out of my system. Perhaps it has started to work itself out, maybe I am sweating it out slowly. Maybe I should spit more.

All I know is that the intense desire to run up to all couples and shake the women until they see that men can't be trusted has subsided. I am still too vulnerable to all relationship issues. I feel the glances, the sharp looks, the hurt feelings like burning on my skin. I still don't want to talk to women who are getting married for fear I will say very many mean things.

But, I do imagine love again. I am still not sure exactly what it looks like, but he will like everything about me even the parts that make him want to scream.