For the new year...

One of my favorite people, Andrea, decided to make a video log to help folks put 2012 into perspective and dream for 2013.  Here are the videos.

I am still working my towards finding my word for 2013.  When I get to the end of this journey, I will turn to this other lovely lady for my new necklace. I am hoping to be wearing it for Chinese New Year...

Andrea encouraged us to share this in community ... hoping this counts.  I am not sure if I have ever actually but this on the blog before ... here it is, uncensored. I wrote it as I watched the videos.

What can I celebrate from 2012?
 [these are the questions Andrea gave to help us organize this celebration:]
What did you create this year?
--I made a video for a class about my grandmother's school
--I decorated my office and set it up so that I could do some work there
--I tried new recipes ... and made some up ... just for me.
--A plan for finishing graduate school... put together committee, specials lists, dates for exams, etc..

What obstacles did you move through with grace? [How were you brave?]
--I gave myself a lot of room to grieve when my brother died -- not initially but when I realized that was what I needed ... I asked for help, I gave myself a break when my brain wasn't working right ... and now, still, I allow myself to cry and rant and be sad and bereft and angry -- whatever it takes when the grief moves me to feel ... I just go there with it.
--I stood up for myself to others ... and to myself.  After many long years of practicing self love, I feel like I finally turned the corner on that.

What practices did you put into place?
--I tried new coffee shops -- building the number of places that I feel safe and comfortable here
--The one I am working on the most ... being compassionate with myself.

How did you choose to take care of yourself?
--I gave myself permission to not be perfect and to not beat up on myself for not being perfect.  In practice this often meant forgiving myself for not turning in perfect papers -- even mediocre papers, with notes in the margins to whomever read them that they were unfinished projects.
--I gave myself permission to sleep more and take days off even when I had piles of work to do.  It turns out there will always be piles of work to do.
--I did battle with so-called medical professionals to figure out what was going on with me -- and why I wasn't getting adequate health care.
--I asked for help -- perhaps the biggest one.  Not unlike the repeating question exercise at the meditation retreat, I am finding that the deeper I go into these questions, the closer I get to the "answer" *wink*.

How did you deepen your relationships?
--I am here trying to practice compassion as well ... and to let go of the shape of relationships past ... and leave room for them to become something different.

What can you acknowledge and let go of?
 [these are the questions Andrea gave to help us organize the letting go:]
What was the hardest thing about 2012?
--Without exception losing my brother was the hardest thing about this year.  Not only losing an important person in my life, but watching my family grieve this loss knowing that there was nothing I could really do to help them.  It is what ultimately made me realize that I needed to focus on helping myself ... so that I could have the strength to stand up for them, too.

What is there to grieve about 2012?
--Losing my brother also through a big monkey wrench in all my time sensitive plans for grad school which I am still trying to recover from.  It forced me to get very real about what I can do ... what I can't do and what I can -- and forgiving myself for anything that doesn't get done.

What were your disappointments?
--I had this idea that I could open to love and that someone to love would magically appear.  I gave my heart, somewhat tentatively, and got it stomped on ... more than once.  Ah, well... still sad about that and really disappointed. 

I am not really ready to choose my word for the year ... stay tuned.