truth

That's a heavy way to start a post, no?

Yesterday, I found out that an old friend who is married to another old friend has decided to live his truth. And living that truth will mean pain, and divorce and new life and a lot of soul searching. At every turn, life will be new for all of them (there is a little boy's life who will also be impacted).

I am a little late to the game ... in part because I have been so frenzied of late that I haven't been opening all my email. The perils of over-committing? Honestly, it seems like all I do is work, so how can I be so over-committed?

Well... sometimes you just need to get things out there, so this was one of those for me.

The word DIVORCE caught my eye ... somehow that wound just doesn't heal. Not to say that I walk around in pain about the divorce. It's not like that at all ... it's just that I think I might always be sensitive about it. Like when I see the married man at the sbucks who is always checking out the other women (even when his wife is right there at his side), or when I hear the woman talking about the separation and feel the pain she is trying to hide.

[***as a side note, seriously, do they not think that at some point their wives will read the text messages? -- I am reminded of the need to write that other post that has been haunting me. I'll get there...]

For as much as I am pained for the loss of this marriage, I am heart-happy for the living of the truth. I can only imagine the pain that will come for the ex-wife as she moves one from this ... the doubts, recriminations, hindsight, etc that always comes with divorce will have an extra layer of torture.

And, in some way, for the other friend, the one who will become the woman who was always inside of his male body, well, there will be euphoria for living truthfully, but there will be a fair amount of wondering why all that came before had to be. S/he is already troubling through this.

How do you avoid the looking back? I suppose if I had done a better job learning the tenets of meditation I would not have to ask that question. That looking back, that constant re-examining of past deeds, the recrimination, that is what most often causes pain. That is self-inflicted torture.

I am sure that the reaching out was done at the suggestion of the therapist. But it heartens me... on many levels.

I remember the isolation I was living in before I decided to get the divorce. It probably didn't have to be that lonely. In fact, I as I am flooded with feeling-memories, I see that one friend who held my hand over the long year it took me to make the decision. Even though we let that "friendship" go places that ultimately have left it in disrepair, I will always be grateful for his tender love through those very painful months. It is so hard to see a friend hurting and not tell them what to do ... to just be there. Once I made a decision, it was ok to let in all the others who would not have held their tongues. And that community, some I had not seen in years, were the greatest support anyone could ask for because making the decision does produce that euphoria. Thank the universe, because the onslaught of emotions is brutal. [Turns out there really was a lot to get out...hell of a trigger that one.]

I don't know how I got to be included in D/M's community. On the one hand, it initially felt like pressure. Lately, I feel like I have so few resources to share. On the other hand, it made me feel like maybe I am not the ogre I make myself out to be in my head. I wonder, though, as we were never really that close before why I got included in the circle. Was it because he imagines from my fb posts that I will get it and not judge? What does s/he know or remember about me from those old days that says I am one who should be included in the fray? Was it really for my other friend because she will need support? I sent them both fb messages of support ... but I have not heard back from the wife who I suspect is more worried about judgment and recriminations than she lets on. I just wanted her to know that when she has a need, there is one more person out here beyond the circle with whom she has to be all the time who will listen and love her no matter what she needs to say. This is the hardest part.



That trip to Tahoe and that tiny hike with the new camera has provided me with many opportunities to illustrate my blog.

This one seems particularly apt. Life is like this ... a lot: running along through the rocks, beautiful, dangerous, requiring you stay on your toes.