what's been going through my head/heart/mind

There is a tangle here to unravel.

Questions I need to answer:
What does power look like and/or feel like?
Why is power so desirable for some people (especially in relationships)?
What does the desire to have power actually do to any relationship?
How does one acquire balance? What does it feel like?

I mean, I understand the desire to protect your heart. At least, I can say that I know that feeling vulnerable is uncomfortable for many people, including myself, so I understand the impulse to protect. I not only recognize the sense of being unprotected, I also remember the many times I have tried to protect myself from feeling vulnerable at all. Usually, though, my way of protecting myself is running away from that which I want most.

Lately, I have been trying to understand what feels like an entirely different reaction to vulnerability: power, control, separation of the heart into pieces. It started with he knows something I don't know. It became, I know what he thinks I don't know, and he doesn't know I know. And it becomes very tangled. As I try to feel the power I imagine he feels, I just get more sad. I don't feel powerful; I feel deceptive.

I believe in a relationship, you either trust, or you don't. It may be the reason I keep imagining there cannot be more relationships for me. I don't know how to trust just enough or not quite enough. I am not sure I want to trust again. I am pretty sure I cannot learn to almost trust.

I just don't understand the power that some people derive from undermining trust.

Maybe I am all wrong about it and this isn't about power and control in the conventional sense. Maybe it is all about insecurity. It is just a reaction to insecurity that I don't recognize.