mean, fierce or just herself

I have been struggling with how to write about this situation I lived through a couple of weeks ago (and then again more recently), and then I read this.

Too often, in my opinion, I am accused of (and treated accordingly) as being mean, too forceful, etc.  I find myself either just dealing with it or not dealing with it by allowing those judgements to live inside of me.

Several weeks ago -- actually months at this point, I ran into a woman that I know at the "community" acupuncture place.  It was my first time there and I was finishing up the treatment. It had went well, and I was seriously considering making this my regular acupuncture place.  I haven't returned there since that time ... and I realize now that there is a reason. 

I ran into this woman, let's call her Marjorie for fun.  I don't know her very well.  She attended some of the boot camps that I led last year.  We have some common points in our histories with regard to geography and profession -- but we didn't become fast friends -- though we are that faux hugging kind of acquaintance.

So, I was enjoying catching up with her when she introduced me to her significant other ... she said something about meeting me at boot camp and how we knew some people in common -- small world -- and then she said, "She's mean" about me, with a big smile on her face.

I said nothing.

I was hurt and couldn't believe that this was the characterization of me that she carried around or felt was appropriate to share with others, in front of me. 

I said nothing.  I think I smiled and found a way to get out of there... "let's stay in touch" and all...

I said nothing, but I took that characterization and the hurt (I think legitimate) that it produced in me.  I didn't fight back or counter or laugh, I just sat there.  I was not 100% physically or emotionally, so maybe it hit me harder than I realized at the time.  I see now that I attached her remarks (which I would call an attack on my person, at least my personality) to the place -- and decided not to return there.

But not going back didn't stop the pain I felt.

I grappled with it a bit ... reread Venus' piece about assuming my power ... and tried to feel proud of "mean" -- but it wasn't working.  I can own a lot of pieces to my personality that I feel are not the rosiest, but I have to tell you -- I don't think I'm mean. 

Am I willing to say how I feel? -- YES

Do I do it to hurt people or make them feel less than? -- usually not -- if I want to, I can injure with my words, so generally I am very careful.

Am I mean?  I don't think so ...

But, apparently others do ... 

Several years ago now I tried to embrace my strength of character by printing FIERCE on one side of my word of the year pendant (the other side said OPEN).  I was trying to love the fierceness that has kept me safe -- physically and emotionally -- for so long while simultaneously calling on myself to be vulnerable ... OPEN to the world.

But when that woman who barely knows me called me MEAN she opened a wound I didn't know how to heal.

I have had this piece in the draft folder since July ... it was sometime in early July that I saw that woman and read Venus' piece -- I thought it was some kind of sign.  But I didn't really have the will to put it all together.

Last week, I ran into Marjorie again ... we chatted pleasantly and she was introducing me to a woman (a friend of hers who happens to also have attended a boot camp with me) not realizing that other woman already knew me.  Again, Marjorie said something about boot camp and "she's mean."  The other woman didn't say anything about the characterization ... and I calmly looked at Marjorie and then the other woman, and I simply said, "I'm not mean."  I think I added in, "I'm disciplined..."

Somehow the tiny effort of countering the statement aloud made all the difference.  Suddenly it wasn't my character flaw that needed to be acknowledged and fixed... it was just something that I didn't agree with ... and I said it, and there it was.  Two opinions ... and I didn't have to hold the ugly one.

And so, I leave you with Jen's blog and her honesty and the tenderness it inspires in me for myself (not exclusively, but this is the hardest one for me to reach).  When in doubt, we should try to remember this, and we should feel free to gently remind others as well.