I WANT

Sometime back in the day, you know when all I wore was black, and all I read was French existentialists or the Russians (yes russians writing pre 1917), I decided that the three fates traveled in a little basket above my head (no hot air balloon necessary).

Why might they do this you might wonder.

Well, you see, they wanted to be close enough to overhear what I wanted so they could make sure to ruin any chance I had at getting it.

Yes, I was a morose, pessimistic teenager who drank pepsi and aspirin for breakfast and didn't eat much more than that. I was moody and grouchy and SURE the world was out to get me.

Just your typical self absorbed teenager.

On the other hand, maybe I was just hungry.

In any case, I learned the lesson, too well, that I should not voice my wants. Before you knew it, I wasn't even thinking my wants lest the fates might be close enough to read my mind.

I learned to dread disappointment. You know that which is almost assured to happen when you secretly want things but no one knows what they are and so you don't get them.

I learned to hold in to that teenage chip on my shoulder and to feel thwarted before I begin to do anything.

I have made tiny strides in undoing this agreement. I plan out and do something just for me that I want for my birthday. And sometimes I even let others participate. I wait until after Christmas, but likewise I treat myself to a secret want.

I sometimes ask specifically for want I want from my mother or sister though sparingly, I still have some work to do here.

I keep a book full of things I want to do. Every once in a while I remember to go back and check off those I have done and maybe add in a few more. But it has more of a quality of life list than just pure want list.

Most of the pure wants are still secret even for myself. This morning a series of sentimental wants (you see how judgmental I am about my wants - who needs the three Fates hanging around when you have such a severe inner critic?) popped up in my head.

This post was going to be that list. And then I didn't have the courage to even type them.

Tomorrow is another day full of opportunities for courageous acts like wanting aloud.