pop the bubbly

The applications are all submitted.

complete

I wish I could say that I feel accomplished.

However, honestly, at the moment, I just feel bereft.

There is so much I could not put into the applications that has been weighing down my heart.

On the other hand, I feel depleted... vulnerable... not open in a good way, but laid bare.

What is there of me that I held back?

Not much... there is was, put out on a slightly tarnished silver platter -- and now it will be judged by less than objective standards.

If I am lucky, because I was never convinced that it was about merit, there will be another person who sees in my application that which I was not asked... or somehow see the answer to what should be their basic question: does this person want it badly enough to do what it takes?

Of course, I have what it takes... I am not convinced that will be the question.

Regardless, it is now out of my hands and at the same time, there is no getting "in" without that which I have committed to paper.

No more worrying or wringing of hands.

I plan to take what is left of this month and next month to revel in the freedom that is waiting for someone else to make a decision.

I will time my return to work with the time when the almighties decide to bestow their decisions upon the lowly (read: ME)... and so I will have some routine to fall back on when the decisions roll in.

No need to keep our fingers crossed all these days... just send out to the universe, if it is something that you can believe in, some good thoughts... that what must be done will be done.

There is, after all, nothing more than that.

Blessed be...