Control

I am goal oriented. I feel I do much better with everything when I am working towards a goal. I love to PLAN. I can plan myself to within an inch of my life. A friend from a long time ago used to call me little-miss-down-to-the-minute because I literally scheduled my work and play down to the last minute. It seemed to allow me to manage my time better. At least, that is what I thought. In fact, it may have just been another way to CONTROL.

Control what you may ask? The answer is as vague and specific as anyone could be. On the one hand, I was in control of my life. I knew what I had to do with every minute of my day. On the other hand, I had no true responsibility, the schedule dictated what I would do and when I would do it. How many of you have obsessions that can simultaneously allow you to be a control-freak and an irresponsible slacker?

The truly dangerous part of this behavior, however, is not its psychotic double-personality; its danger lies in the appearance of great propriety. Who could quarrel with being goal-oriented? I am not just goal-oriented, mind you, I am successful at achieving my goals. I am an excellent planner and can be quite disciplined in the execution of plans as well. The thing is that I rarely take a step back and examine why I am moving forward with THE PLAN whichever it may be.

It all seems very logical at the time. Here's the goal, here are the steps you need to take to get to the goal, and voila, you have achieved your goal! Congratulations. Again, who could complain about such an accomplishment? Well, the secret, ugly truth is that since there was precious little thought given to the why, the successful end of the project was, in fact, not the end I was trying to accomplish. In the end, I feel bereft not accomplished. Not only was the end not what I wanted, now I have to start all over again.

It would be nice to say that "It was really all about the journey." However, if I am being painfully honest, the real answer was that it was about avoiding having to know what I really wanted to accomplish. Sometimes, it is just that having a goal outside of my personal growth or introspection means not having to deal with whatever demons were knocking at the door when the infamous PLAN emerged.

If the plans were cockamamie, you know like some get rich quick scheme, then a logical person would someday have to put a stop to it. Instead, my friends rally around my latest, greatest plan. I seem so level-headed and determined, they hardly have the heart to ask me WHY are you so determined to do that?? They watch me trudge along merrily on the hamster wheel to nowhere.

The last time I made one of those grand plans and rolled full steam ahead, I ended up with night terrors and serious nightmares. [What's the difference? Both are terror-ific, but one is while you sleep and the other waking, at least in my experience.] When I decided, and the fates colluded to make it easier, to take some time off the hamster wheel, I had a hard time letting go of the planning. The first month, I was so busy with things to do that I had been unemployed for over three weeks before I had a day off. I just couldn't force myself to not have commitments. It has taken me two whole months to decompress from my frenzied goal-planning. Just in time for me to want to laze in front of the TV non-stop while simultaneously be freaked out that I DON'T HAVE A JOB and I AM SPENDING ALL MY SAVINGS.

It is quite an effort to calm down, allow myself to be and try to allow whatever is next to happen. I want to construct a PLAN. I am trying desperately to keep myself from making too strict of a lifetime plan...just for today or this week. Just til December. Not for the next five years and not for the rest of my life. It's really hard for me to just let life happen.

Ah...control. Control my environment. Control my reactions to the world. Control my emotions in general. I have decided that my need for control is what drives my plan-o-matic behavior. How do you make calm out of chaos? I make a plan. And stick to it, no matter what will be at the other end of it.