The Basket of Fates

This title/story requires some background information, so bear with me if it is a longish post with not that much to redeem itself.

Growing up, a fan of mythology, I read a little too much and then used some of what I read to form my worldview. At least it served as a way to illustrate my worldview. For reasons that have only become truly apparent in the past few years, I believed that the three fates had it in for me. It seemed that they always knew exactly what I wanted and had made it their job to keep me from having it.

In my mind, there they always were, in a little basket above my head. Peeking down at my life, listening carefully to every muttered wish, and crushing all my dreams whenever possible. I know... I know... I can picture all of you taking our your tiny little violin to play me a pity song. But, however self-absorbed, silly or just plain crazy that sounds, that is how I felt and that is the picture I carried around in my mind.

So, over time, I learned to never say what I wanted aloud lest the fates were listening. Indeed, I learned to not even think consciously about what I wanted in the event the fates had learned to read my mind.

It is akin to living like Eeyore with the little dark cloud sailing over you at all times blotting out the sun and making it seem like it is just about to rain at any moment.

Over the past few weeks, with all the latest developments in my personal and professional lives, I have heard myself describe the events in terms of dread rather than joy. Thinking it over, I decided it is the residual of living beneath the fates in their basket for so long. I am afraid to say how excited I am about the new job, the new city and the ability to buy the house which will lead me to accomplishing another goal: being able to adopt children. Instead of feeling joy and excitement, I have alternately described it as scary or daunting or just "new."

So in the past few days, I have been trying to feel the joy and the excitement. It's harder than it should be to do this. I am still afraid that if I am too happy that will equal content and the fates will figure out how to pull the rug out from underneath me... they are so good at that in my experience.