On knowing what you need to do...

And not doing it.

How many times have I heard, "Recognizing your problem is half the battle"?

Too damn many.

Like many other aphorisms, it is utterly untrue.

1/4 of the battle, maybe, but I am afraid that it is much, much less.

Perhaps the first problem with this saying, and the entire approach, is that this IS NOT a battle to be fought and won. This is life.

Life happens... our happiness quotient goes up and down with the daily rituals, obstacles, successes or just every day happenings. Generally speaking, it is good to plan, but things rarely turn out the way we plan. So, flexibility is important, but that doesn't mean just let life happen, ala Forrest Gump.

Don't get me started on FG. You won't like what I have to say.

So... here we are, breathing, living, reacting to the world/life that happens around us. What does it mean? 1/2 the battle, 1/4 of the battle or much, much less. There is some out-of-whack belief that there is an elusive HAPPINESS that we can reach... if we just try harder? tap our heels together? just let it happen? wait expectantly?

All I know is to live right now, with whatever emotion is cascading over me, is very difficult and perhaps the only way to "WIN" the battle.

It is a very difficult state for me... I try, walking around, sitting at my desk, even when I am interacting with others, to stay in the moment... to feel all that is happening, to appreciate each breath and its intricacies, like carefully inspecting a spider's web, but I find my mind wandering to the myriad of what if's that only serve to leave me feeling bereft.

There will always be an "if only" -- there is always room for improvement, there are a million ways to approach any task and therefore infinite resolutions to any situation. None and all are right, yet I fight with myself in just accepting what is facing me right at this moment.

Figuring out, recognizing if you like, what the problem is only plays into this not-living-in-the-moment thing for me... I play and replay, parse, analyze until I know exactly what the problem is, where it came from and even how to get rid of it. None of that is now... it's yesterday, this morning, when I was five, or tomorrow, next month, or when I get around to it.

Right now I feel better and I want to cry at the same time. It's ok... I will keep breathing in and out and feeling.