closure

Sometime last year, I started following the story of a young woman who disappeared one day after dropping off her kids for a visit with her estranged husband. She left behind a new job, a boyfriend, and a van full of just bought groceries -- not to mention her two kids (who she just so happened to be fighting vigorously for in the divorce) and family and friends. Her husband swore he had nothing to do with it. Her kids went through hell. Her family, friends and boyfriend scoured the hills for her. Lurid details about her life were leaked to the media -- making her disappearance into more of a movie than a tragedy.

This is not really a unique story -- if it were, what would Dateline do?

But it happened right around the corner from me. And marital woes and emotional abuse between people who used to love each other still hits me a little too close to home. So even though I tried to fight it at first, I was sucked in by the time that the trial started.

And I wasn't the only one.

Every day, the local paper had a blog dedicated to the trial --- with a reporter in the courtroom delivering updates via laptop -- typos included. It turns out there were other people following it and blogging it on different sites. Some from the technical community since the husband was a computer something or other -- so technical no matter how many times I have read about it I cannot tell you what he does.

It was fascinating to see the crazy crap the husband did after the murder to make it seem like he wasn't involved which just made him more guilty. His strange behavior made the entire proceeding seem all the more surreal. No body, seriously disturbed alleged murderer, crazy ex-paramour, strange "memories" from the kids... when the defendant's father took the stand, it made you wonder how the alleged murderer had waited so long to become a murderer... at one point the father left the witness box to do one-handed pushups... yeah, there just isn't any scenario where this would be helpful to the defendant. Oh and then there was the crazy tension between the defendant and his lawyer and the judge ... reading the courtroom blog was like watching really slow moving Law and Order with no resolution.

So, he was convicted and traded his wife's body for the chance to vacate the verdict of first degree murder for second degree murder and the chance for parole -- someday. I am sure it was worth it for the family -- who have now sued him for wrongful death, so there won't be anything left for him to come out of jail to.

For us, though, it means we get the transcript of his confession. It is a morbidly fascinating thirty some rambling pages that reinforce all the impressions we formed of the husband. Almost more interesting though is to be on the inside of the lead detective and prosecutors' minds -- the questions they insist on getting answered belies the true closure they seek. I am not sure if they got it, or how you can ... surely in the back of their minds and deep in their hearts, there was still some hope that she was still alive.

new favorites

As part of my Saturday ritual... I walk to the Farmers and pick out some flowers for myself. These lasted the entire week... I should have taken a photo on the day I got them -- all closed up and richly colored. Not that they weren't just as lovely opened -- they are glorious.

This color is really stunning... still working on how to make the camera show it.

painful memories

I don't think we should let this day go by without remembering.

I wish we could do it without pain, but I am not sure that it is possible.

I am going to let this young man give you an inside look at the pain of losing someone on this day -- as opposed to the rest of us who just lost our sense of security or innocence.

It is short, but you will still need the tissues.

YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN

My favorite part:

"Being in certain places, when I'm at a happy time, just somewhere in my mind, he won't get out of there. He's just stuck in my mind. And that makes me a little sadder, where I am."
He still dreams of his grandfather, Frankie said — dreams in which the whole family is together again. And he knows what he would say to his grandfather if he could speak to him.
"I love you," Frankie said, "and there's no other grandfather I'd rather see than you."

Gone Fishin...

So, this evening I head out on a great trek to Puerto Rico ... it's a free ticket, so it's quite the itinerary... night flight to Chicago -- four or five hours later, weather permitting in the Caribbean, another flight to San Juan, Puerto Rico.


A few days sacrificing for a friend by attending a lawyer's conference at a resort. Yes, folks, this is really a terrific hardship, but I am a good friend, so I am willing to do it.


Next, we will brave the weather to vagabond around the island visiting her friends and relatives and hanging out in her apartment in San Juan.

After eating, drinking, dancing, site seeing and whatever else we can squeeze in ... I will attempt to return to California via Washington DC (free ticket, remember) where I will have to stay over and then back to the Bay.

I have been hording a few posts that I just couldn't manage to either type or finish or publish or whatever to keep you busy while I am away.

Hopefully I have learned something from my last photographic forays and will have some pics to share upon my return.

I don't know about you, but I think this is an excellent way to start my unemployment -- oh yeah, did I mention that my contract ended today and it was not renewed?

Voting Rights Reconsidered

I take the voting rights very seriously -- specifically given that women and people of color were not included in the game for a very long time in this country... however, I have to wonder what we are thinking just about now.

For instance, Obama has been accused of not being specific enough about his policies -- I am one who wanted to hear more specifics earlier ... I am feeling more confident that he is giving us the details we need, but now I begin to see the brilliance of his strategy. First, grab their hearts and souls -- because their brains are dangerously difficult to reach. Just last week, Barack went out among the people and took questions from the audience. I listened to the clip where he was talking about the essential issue of the day, in his opinion not mine: the economy. He took a question from a woman in the audience, who presumably was there because she cares about the outcome of this election -- meaning that she might have considered what is important to our country right now and wants to posit a thoughtful question to the candidate. And what did she ask? She told Barack that she was worried that he wanted to take away her guns. She's lucky I wasn't the one answering her damn question -- because I would have said, Lady, I don't want to take away your guns, I want to lock you in a room with just your guns and hope you do the right thing. Yes. It's not a nice way to feel about your country people, but I am so sick of nearly brainless people masquerading as citizens.

There are duties that are associated with being a citizen -- it isn't just a privilege and the chance to stand under a lovely flag and listen to a purdy song on an olympic stage or having the opportunity to spend all your money on useless things or the freedom to watch hours of mind-numbing reality tv. No, there are duties: to be concerned with our freedom and our future -- beyond simply being afraid of men who are muslim, we actually need to consider our place in the economic horizon, how we maintain our primacy -- if that's possible -- through cultivating skilled/trained citizens who are willing to work hard and contribute to our well being as a country and world citizen. Yup ... all that and much more.

So, I have decided, not unlike another blogger I enjoy reading, think that no one should be allowed to vote this year who hasn't had to deal with some issues on this level. That is to say that they are not allowed to vote if they are stuck in the popularity contest of a middle school student body association president election.

Yes, if you follow my rule, you will have to listen to a show like this interview with Thomas Friedman -- it will take 33 full minutes. Or have to watch two or three weeks of Bill Moyers -- and that will be two or three 45 minute sessions ... the good news is that you can pause and go to the bathroom and yell at the tv and do all the things that you do when you are watching Dancing with the Stars or whatever other drivel you indulge in. You can take notes, you can look up words and concepts that you don't understand -- but you must know something about one issue of merit -- not god-related for those who didn't get that. Feel however you want to feel after you have looked our issues in the face -- I don't care. If you still think the Palin/McCain's ideas for dealing with those issues are the best for our country and yourself (HONESTLY), pull the lever. Just get some facts, first, please.

I will make it exceedingly easy for you:

Bill Moyers on OIL



Bill Moyers on THE WAR



If you must, Bill Moyers on RELIGION



Thomas Friedman with Terri Gross

Thomas Friedman with Tom Brokaw (less than ten minutes)



I could go on, but I won't.

Umm, yeah...

There are days when I long for cable... but I am thankful for friends -- especially blogger friends -- who share the wealth.

Thanks X! [Check her out, LOVE HER!)

This is one of those clips that SHOULD be forwarded to everyone in the United States -- everyone registered to vote, that is. After watching this clip, they can vote for whomever they like best, but they will have to justify that desire with true convictions instead of being two-faced liars

And thanks, Jon, for breaking it down, Jersey-style. I cannot believe that the fellas with the journalism degrees hanging on their office walls don't have the balls to call the pundits on their shit. Perhaps they need to grow some.

Oh, and yeah, I finally broke down and donated to Barack... he may not need my money, and I did just lose my job, but, hell, I do want him to be able to say that after the naming of Palin to the McCain ticket that Barack's donations went up...

disrespect

Disrespect is such a slippery notion -- both for those who feel disrespected as for those who disprespect because it is seemingly very subjective -- do you feel disrespected? was it your intention to disrespect or was it just a sad by product of some action??

Like disrespect, offense is another one of those eye of the beholder issues. Maybe it's like porn, you know it when you feel it?

Well I can say that I feel equally disrespected and offended by John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Oh where to start? You think that because she has ovaries that those disaffected Clinton voters will decide to vote for you -- regardless of her politics? Um... you think that you can sell all the evangelicals that you are serious by putting her on your ticket even though she doesn't believe we need to do anything about the environment? You want us to believe that this is MAVERICK decision making? Try drunken soldier decision making. Maybe pompous ass decision making.

It is disrespectful to all those who ever believed you when you said that you wanted a different kind of politics. It is disrespectful to all women, all people who care about the environment, all people who would like their children to learn about science and not religion in school, etc. And worst of all it is disrespectful to the many QUALIFIED women in your own party.

There are many other women who would have been more interesting and less disrespectful as choices for veep: Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorino, Olympia Snowe, Kay Bailey Hutchison, Libby Dole, and on and on and on... there are EXPERIENCED Republican women out there both from inside and outside the beltway.

I am not the only one who feels this way. Of course, adding any of these other women on the ticket would not have made me change my mind on voting for Obama. It needs to be said because so many who defend the Palin choice would be defending any choice. Biden was not my first choice for veep, either, but it had nothing to do with my decision to vote for Barack...

Here are the issues that I have with Governor Palin:

1) Her politics are just not in line with mine, actually they are, on my points, in direct opposition -- having ovaries and/or children doesn't change the way I feel about her politics, I happen to believe in the existence of green house warming, in the teaching of evolution, that sex education should go BEYOND abstinence only and that women have the right to CHOOSE what should happen with their bodies. And that is just the beginning... we can go to the guns and drilling and the beholden-ness to certain industries... but really, the first four are deal breakers for me, so the rest is just gravy on why I don't like her. There is no way that I would vote for this woman under any circumstances.

2) She is a wolf in sheep's clothing -- she lies (says things that are untrue) about things that relate to ETHICS and MORALS... she presents as one thing and then is another. Yes, that is exactly what politicians do. However, if you are going to campaign as the "other" kind of candidate, the ethical one who has morals and lives by them, then you can't be as slippery as the rest of the bunch. There are the personal lies (eloped because she didn't want her poor, hard-working -- read working class -- teacher parents to pay for her wedding when in fact she was pregnant and "had" to get married), but more importantly there are the political lies. These are not things dredged up from 20 years ago -- she hasn't been in politics that long; listen to this from NPR.

3) I respect all women's right to have a career and a family -- I think it is doable (though challenging at times), and a perfectly acceptable goal. When Governor Palin insisted that she would continue to serve as governor as the mother of a disabled child, I applauded her for finding the strength and for using her personal and professional network to make this possible. When she told the world that her oldest daughter was FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT and about to get married, I wasn't moralistic about it. Things do happen, though the question of abstinence only as a successful strategy did cross my mind. I have to say I can't really see how choosing to put her daughter and son-in-law-to-be in the spotlight along with the rest of her family is the best choice.


What she does with and for her family is absolutely her business and I applaud Barack Obama for saying it will not be dragged into the campaign, however, I am just not convinced that at this time in our country's life is the best time to have as role models the teenage mother, the non-college educated First Man (Dude) who urges kids in high school to consider working in the oil industry instead of going to college, and a vice president who doesn't think that conservation for the sake of the environment is really necessary especially if it might interfere with the free market.

Basically, hate her. And now I hate him too.

history

There really is electricity in the air today... as I walked to the bus this morning, the sun was bright and the air was crisp. All the colors seemed brighter and the world happier. Maybe it is just me.

I haven't had a chance to watch my tape of the convention speeches last night, but I listened to the roll call live from my desk at work yesterday!

I can't wait for tonight and I am in love with the symbolism of having Barack accept the nomination tonight, 45 years later... (I would have been equally proud to have Hillary accept the nomination tonight, by the way)

Dr. King, as always, thanks for everything ...

awareness

The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you,

not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.

They're in each other all along.

-- Rumi
Pictures from my trip up the Northern California coast...

If you want more pictures, check out my postcards from the three days on the road.

Not so Secret Wish List

This is what I would like for Christmas, my birthday, or just because.

As soon as I work ONE extra shift, I am going to order it... because that is how my wish list works.

There are a few other non-thing items on my list that I am working on.

I decided not so long ago that one of the greatest hurdles I face is disappointment. So, I have instituted some glorietas to get around potential disappointment -- sort of heading it off at the pass. The first of these is to make my wish list, and then grant those wishes for myself. This is particularly useful with regards to occasions when gifts are expected or customary. If I buy myself all the gifts I want, then whatever else comes my way is gravy and can be duly appreciated for its thoughtfulness and not judged for its usefulness (or lack thereof), etc.

The non-thing items are more challenging -- like world peace or unconditional love -- but I am actively working on these as well... not waiting for others to fulfill my wishes has been a big part of the happy-ness I have found in the past two years!

Postcards from the Road - Day Three

Kitsch on the road






Wildlife, snake eating a banana slug:


Wildlife on the water:


More wildlife, look closely, you'll see a woodpecker:





All that beauty, and I am going back for the rocks!

Postcards from the Road -- Day Two

One day (and about 200 miles) in pictures... be gentle, I am still getting to know the digital camera.

Seen at the farmer's market in Arcata:

Tasty treats on the side of the road:

From the inside of a drive thru redwood:

Amidst the giants:

Imagine these little guys going around in tight circles, seemingly chasing their tails:

About thirty shots later, I got one green baby wave:

Still learning how to use this camera, but it looked great in person:

Imagine this as your magic fort:

Like clouds, these dead giants contain limitless posibilities:

Graveyard of sorts:

Postcards from the road - Day One

It takes me a while to get the camera out of the bag ... I am always afraid I will lose the present trying to capture it. I was also not feeling particularly well, so I was pretty low energy (so low that for the bulk of these shots were from inside the car -- window rolled down, though). Aside from that, I am just not sure how to work the digital camera, but since there is no way to figure it out without actually using it, I finally did get the camera out.

Outside the ranger station along the Avenue of the Giants:
We stopped in a little town where I might want to live one day: FERNDALE.

This is the place I would buy if I won the lottery:



Another house I liked:

One for Nimia:

And I didn't get a shot of the fantastic cemetery, the houses on the hill where I really want to live, or the picturesque downtown... you'll just have to imagine it, or rent the movies Outbreak or The Majestic, I am told this town was where they were filmed (at least the on location parts).

Babies, layers and grounding

Two years ago (hard to believe it was really that long ago!) I took my first steps towards healing ... I quit the job with the abusive boss, I signed up for three life coaching sessions, and I went on a seven day meditation (nearly silent) retreat.

Since the meditation retreat, I have wanted to have a daily meditation practice. Just a few minutes every day – 10 or 15 – in silence to center myself – to ground. I also set as a goal at that retreat to find a meditation center locally where I could develop a sense of community. What I miss most about organized religion is the sense of community you find there – not the coffee and donuts after service type, but the energy that flows through a religious or spiritual place. It is such a strong current. In those spaces, where I can empty my mind of the contradictions I feel about religion, I feel held and protected while I open myself to the universe and its messages. I experience my spirituality as vulnerability. As such, it is both a very open and tender experience as well as a scary place. When I am centered and grounded, I am also exposed, necessarily since only open channels can receive messages from the universe.

It was exciting, scary and wonderful, therefore, to be invited to attend a local people of color meditation. It was not necessary to get an invitation since it is open and I have known about it for awhile – sometimes walking by the center and looking longingly at the doors but not going in. For my friend who invited me, it was also comforting to know that she would not walk in there alone.

I hadn’t sat in meditation since a brief visit to the retreat center over a year ago. I was nervous about the pain I might feel sitting, whether or not I would be able to turn off the mind and avoid the distractions. For thirty minutes, I sat in silence, much of the time chiding myself for not having an empty mind, hearing the cars and the emergency vehicles pass on the street, aware of every twinge of every muscle. At times I was convinced that I could not make it to thirty minutes sitting. As some points I had to remind myself to unclench, let go, breathe. I followed my breath, watched the colors dance in my mind, wished some love to thoughts of people who were haunting me, trying to let go and be. When the bell called us out of silence, I was not ready. I guess I had been having a “good” meditation.

I sat open and ready to hear what our teacher wanted to share. She exhorted us to think of the baby -- open and feel, willing to experience life without thinking or analyzing -- just be with the world and discover the joy available.

Then we were invited to share. Many people shared sweet, intimate observances about their practice. Others asked questions about the talk. One wonderful woman shared the poem she had written to herself that morning to celebrate her 58th birthday. As so often happens to me when I meditate, I sat in silence and tears welled in my eyes. This is only significant because I am so tightly wound that I have great difficulty crying. I felt as though I had shed many layers. Think back to that baby -- or small child -- elated to have shed the layers (including diapers) and run around the room ecstatic to be free. I am not saying I was getting ready to flash anyone in the room, but it was a sense of freedom and liberation from those layers that made me feel stronger and yet more open at the same time.

It was a beautiful experience. I am planning another visit to this center in the near future, but up next is a Monday night at Spirit Rock and hopefully some silent meditation at my own house as a regular practice.

Truly Disturbing

I am catching up on my radio listening today as I troll the internet for scholarly studies on the small school movement and academic achievement. I was hot on the trail of some great articles when this segment on Tell Me More started. I was so disturbed, I had to stop what I was doing and find out more information.

In a nutshell, Pfc LaVena Johnson's parents were notified of her death in Iraq in 2005 --- they were told that she died of a gunshot to the head that was or wasn't self inflicted, no definitely it was suicide -- and by the way, just ignore the signs that she was raped and beaten.

I thought I had a lot more to say about this....but just recapping the story turned my stomach.

Read the articles, listen to her dad on Tell Me More and then tell me what you think.

I understand that war is hell -- but I cannot imagine that anyone thinks this is ok -- I cannot imagine how the military powers that be sleep at night knowing that they have created a situation where young women serving their nation turn into punching bags -- and that's ok, we'll just call it suicide.

Ugly, depressing, disturbing and not inspiring any flag waving notions for me.

We need to get the hell out of Iraq.

Happy Friday

I am wearing red for the special day -- you know, today, 08-08-08. I don't think I was really awake for 8:08 am, though. I might have been but I wasn't focusing yet.

In any case, I wore red for the good luck associated with red in the Asian traditions... and it just so happens, I already got some.

Some good friends are getting married today! Out of the blue, I get a call and a can you be free in a little bit... WOO HOO ... they did it like this last time, too. We have all been asking and asking ... are you going to get married again? It was always, we'll wait until after November and see how this thing plays out. But, maybe they just didn't want to plan a big thing and having it on a special day if it works out is better.

Anyway, I just read Andrea's blog entry this morning and she was thinking about a wedding she shot this weekend, and I realized, this is exactly what I need to be writing about.

It's all about the LOVE ya'll. Get out there and get you some! Congratulations S and S!

Warning: Rant Crossing or Crossing Rant...

Update... got home tonight ... unscathed from my walkings around Oakland and San Francisco -- thank you very much, and read this! HAHAHAHA I wish I would have been there to gloat ... and that I could get some of that response from at least one of the places I have to cross every day.

I want to be compassionate, really. I want more than anything in the world to be compassionate ... especially with the people who most aggravate me. I try. And it is struggling against the tide most days to try to be compassionate when all you really feel is angry or frustrated. I believe in gun control largely because I know that if I had a gun, I would use it on all the people who desperately crave my compassion! I say all of this as a way to set the scene for the little rant I am about to write. I have decided after long deliberation that it should be in the form of an open letter to those who would be dead if I had a gun. It is not at all compassionate. I thought I was sending out love and compassion by not writing about it -- but in fact I am just poisoning my life slowly and painfully by holding it in. I think I am done with the preamble, but there may be more editorializing later. You are duly warned.

Dear People Who Have Never Learned the Use or Purpose of the Crosswalk:

I would like to start by indicating to you the proper use of a crosswalk: people who are not driving use marked walkway across a road that cars traverse to get to the other side. We do this because we need to get to the other side; not because we want it to take you two minutes longer to get to your destination or to make your life miserable or frustrated in any way. It is quite simple, you are in a car, we are not. It makes us slightly more vulnerable than you.

Your job when you approach a crosswalk is to see if it is in use. If it is in use, that is to say that there are either people waiting to cross or people actually crossing, it is your responsibility to STOP. Stop. Not slowly inch towards said people in order to intimidate them into walking faster or to keep them from venturing into the crosswalk. Especially when there is either a sign denoting that YOU MUST YIELD TO PEDESTRIANS (that's what they call us people who WALK) or a STOP SIGN, you MUST stop. It's not me asking you to do something that you don't want to do -- it's simply the LAW. Ah yes, laws, they do apply to you, people who drive cars are required to follow laws just like everyone else. [Don't think that I give any slack to bike riders who don't stop or to pedestrians who jay walk -- anyone who knows me understands that I go to the corner to cross -- it's polite but it's also the law.]

When you are trying to run me down in the crosswalk, this is what I think: do you have children?? I mean really, do you have children who will be required to do this thing we call walking sometime?? Follow up question: wouldn't you like other cars being driven by other people to stop for your children when they are crossing the street?? If so, then it might be worth your while to PRACTICE stopping!!!

I have to go out and WALK to the library to return a book right now -- I am hoping that if you are reading this that you are not in your car so that there might be one less person trying to run me down... I will have to cross no less than three streets there and another three back, anyone want to place a bet on the number of cars that will not want to stop when they see me in the crosswalk. I will be the one glaring and possibly yelling at the drivers who don't understand that thing called a crosswalk -- and it won't be pretty.

I added these lovely flowers in an attempt to lower my blood pressure before I have to back out and brave the streets -- that is to say the crazy drivers.

Time in Hell

If I believed in heaven and hell, I would surely subscribe to this man's tattoo.

Either way, it is a powerful statement and photo.

Thanks, Zoriah. I wish I had the $25/month to subscribe to your photos. Sharing these images with the world is important work.

It is an interesting thought to consider his work sensationalism in a world where we photograph famous people doing perp walks, or famous people sell photos of their newborns (regardless of how the money will be used) -- war is real and people die, but all we get is the reports that "the surge is working." Do we ever stop to think what "working" means?

Listen to his discussion with Neal Conan on Talk of the Nation yesterday.

Blowing Kisses to the Universe

I have heard it said, and I want to believe, that you can have what you want -- if you are willing to ask the universe. (Oh, and you have to be willing to receive the gifts as well.)

I was discussing this with a friend the other day in regards to asking for what I want -- aloud -- and to the person from whom I want it.

She was concerned that perhaps she wasn't speaking in the right tone to the universe -- because she wasn't getting what she wanted. In fact, she was recovering from finding out that she was fairly definitively NOT getting exactly what she wanted.

It helps when you ask and you get --- it reinforces your belief -- but their is still a power in asking. I guess if you ask and ask and don't get, you might feel beaten down.

But I am feeling more and more powerful by asking -- sometimes I vocalize and decide how I can make it happen for myself, that is with no extra help from the universe. Somehow it is affirming just to ask.

It takes courage, the bravery I sometimes I feel I lack, to ask because behind every ask is the chance for disappointment. But, if you decide that the worst that can happen is that the universe (or the person) will say "no," then perspective may take over. The perspective to see that being courageous can be more powerful than getting what you want.

At least, that is my glass half full mentality. It takes a lot of work and every day practice to see the silver lining. I am trying to train my mind to see the world through the glass half full -- hoping that someday these more lovely and affirming thoughts will filter into the subconscious. I dream of the day when the inner voices whisper the silver lining about anything and everything in life. I want to believe in my soul like I do in my head ... just like the seeds for these lovely flowers believed they would emerge from the snow in Alaska.

So, this morning, I am just blowing kisses to the universe for being there -- not even asking for anything.

messages from the subconscious

Every morning I resolve that today is the day I will finish all the projects, exercise, WRITE, finish the blog drafts, finish the grad app essay, clean my apartment, etc...

That is to say, I over promise myself... and then some things get done, but clearly not all of them.

At the end of the day, even when I feel somewhat accomplished... I still feel that I failed to get all that I wanted to get done.

Sometimes, the reminder that I need to do certain activities -- like WRITE which is the way that I process -- gets underscored in my sleep. Yes, my sleep.

For the past three days, I have awoken from a nice, deep sleep from the most disturbing dreams. Not nightmares, exactly, but bad dreams. Dreams in which things that I don't want to happen in real life feel painfully close to reality, in which I feel alone and/or betrayed and in which I have to work way too hard to get what I want.

I don't enjoy these dreams. They trouble me... and I don't like the emotions that are displayed in seemingly neon signs in the themes of these dreams.

Balance eludes me... and I need to make just one thing my priority right now ... processing the emotions, whether that be through meditation, long walks, or writing.

Wish me luck, and peace -- seemingly in short supply in my sleeping hours.