What if I told you that I only feel worthy if I can be of help to someone?
What if nothing anyone could say could make it better?
There are lots of details that I don't want to explain right now. Foul, I know. But there it is.
But what if there was someone who you have always wanted to declare her love for you? And what if at this point, even if she did or could, it would not change how you feel about yourself?
I am trying to help someone I care about to confront and change the agreements that have left her vulnerable to predators.
It's hard because I am still trying to disentangle myself from similar agreements. And knowing that they exist was a good first step. But what those steps are in between knowing and renegotiating are never fully spelled out.
So, as I try to pull back the veil for my friend, I deal with the onslaught of my own agreements - and how knowing about them hasn't easily produced the new agreements I need to live a more healthy, happy life.
I don't know where I was headed with this. Honestly, this is the third or fourth post I have started trying to process the latest trauma.
Trauma piled on trauma - not grieving any of it fully, just makes for serious trauma responses to even the slightest situation.
But I have had some pretty big issues to deal with lately (again). So, sometimes this has escalated to panic attacks - and sometimes to what feels like relatively insignificant stimuli.
In retrospect, I can say that I have survived all the large and small traumas ... recalling the appropriateness of the ; in our lives.
; take a breath
; feel the feelings
; hold on to see what comes next
I type all this in the full knowledge that for some folks what comes next might be worse than what is now. It might not work for all folks to take a beat. I respect that.
For me, right now, I am remembering the times when taking a breath got me to the next minute.
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